QUESTION: When you know for certain that someone is having an affair and you’re relatively certain the spouse doesn’t know about it, should you tell the “unsuspecting” spouse? I’ve been agonizing about this for a week after something I observed clarified any uncertainty I may have had.

Perhaps I should just mind my own business?
~ Disturbed Best Friend

Dear Disturbed Best Friend,
I understand and I feel your longing to help your best friend. I have been
in relationships in which I later wished that someone had warned me about
the rocky road ahead. And yet, I now see that telling me the worst case
scenario ahead of time would have robbed me of so much beautiful life
experience. The spiritual key here is that each of us must walk our own
path – and that includes the difficult and scary parts. Unless there is
violence, abuse or a health risk to your friend, it is best not to get
involved. Imagine what could happen if you do tell your friend that you
definitely know for sure that their partner is having an affair. What if that
isn’t really true? Any chance of your friend working through this with their
partner is gone. You will be seen as the bearer of bad news, especially if
they do work it out, and you could be unwelcome in their lives.

Now
imagine what could happen if you say nothing. What if you simply allow
their relationship journey to unfold and be the best loving friend you can
be? Whichever way their relationship goes, it will not be about you.
Always remember that this is not about you, or how much you care for
your friend.

The Bible asks us the question, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
I believe that sometimes we are. Problems such as hunger and violence
against humanity are everyone’s concerns. However, when it comes to
what goes on in a romantic relationship between two consenting adults, I
believe we are not.

It is said that we connect with each other “for a reason,
a season, or a lifetime.” It is not your job to determine which kind of
relationship this is for anyone else – even your best friend. Focus on
helping your friend to feel loved and supported by you, no matter what
else happens. Your relationship with your friend is your only concern. Make
it the best it can be every day. If this situation is true, you will definitely be
needed.

Rev. Karen Mitchell
karen@karenmitchellmusic.com

Dear Disturbed Best Friend,
Boy, that’s a toughie, but I think the friend should tell the friend that he/she has a suspicion that the spouse may be cheating. Of course, one should use the tenderest language possible and couch his/her remarks – at least at the outset – in an indirect manner. But, gosh, people! What are friends for?

Be advised that in telling your friend your suspicion you may lose that friend for the rest of your life. But again – the truth hurts sometimes and, as believers, aren’t we urged to tell the truth in love?

Also, please understand that I may be wrong about my opinion; I have certainly been wrong before!

But the phrase “Beauty is truth, and truth beauty” (from Keats’ “Ode to a Grecian Urn,” I think) is applicable here. Also, Christians, aren’t we familiar with this phrase from one of the Gospels: “the truth shall make you free?” One more literary reference, and this comes from a 16th or 17th century writer. The poem (I believe) is called, “To Jocasta, On Going to the Wars.” A great line in that poem is, “I could not love thee, Dear, so much loved I not honor more.”

Truth. Honor. Love. Aren’t they all connected? Again, you may lose a friend; Jesus lost quite a few!

And, again, I could be wrong; but how can you go on living a lie and not loving your friend enough to tell the truth?

The Rev. C. L. “Skip” Lindeman
lindemanskip@yahoo.com

QUESTION: Please help us settle a family disagreement. We have two teenagers, ages 14 and 16. A year ago, we all agreed to go camping for our summer vacation. The reason for this is to save money so we can go to Hawaii when they’re out of school in December. We have family who live on Oahu, which is far away from where the volcano is currently erupting.

Now the kids want to forget the Hawaiian vacation because they’ve heard how ash can get into plane engines and instead they want to go to Europe this summer. We’ve tried to explain that planning a European vacation for two weeks would require much more planning than we have time to do and we’ve already made reservations at campgrounds. We think we should still go camping and plan a later trip elsewhere.

And, we want to add that our teens’ input is important to us as well. Our discussion is at a standstill.
~ Stumped Parents

Dear Stumped Parents,
There is a disconnected element in your argument. Firstly, you stated that all had agreed to a camping trip this summer so you could afford a trip (to Hawaii) in December. Even if you want to scrap your plans for Hawaii and change to Europe the plan would call for a trip to someplace else in the December vacation period. Why is the summer vacation suddenly not needed to “save money so we can go…?”
Your “teens’ input” doesn’t mean that they can negate the previous, year ago, agreement of camping this summer to facilitate saving money for December.
If you stick to your previously agreed to camping vacation this summer you will have saved for whatever destination you do travel to in December and you will have the proper time to plan out a great experience wherever you go.

Bon Voyage!

Rabbi Janet Bieber

jbieber1155@aol.com

Dear Stumped Parents,
This particular problem is a new one for me. Growing up in my house, nothing like this ever remotely happened. But I’ll do my best.

I think you have several legitimate options:

1. It is a blessing to be able to take a vacation at all. Many Americans just can’t afford any kind of vacation. Americans are increasingly taking “stay-cations.” My mother’s idea of camping was opening a window. She hated camping but her nails were perfect. Any vacation, camping or otherwise, is a sign that God has blessed you with the ability to go. Remind yourself who is in charge at your house. If it’s your kids, then do it their way.

2. The idea of saving money by camping now in order to go to Oahu later makes good sense. It’s best to not get your travel advisories from teenagers. Oahu is lovely in December. What a gracious offering you’re making to your kids. If they don’t want to go, take my wife and I. Or, remind yourself who is in charge at your house. If it’s the parents, then man up, stick to your guns and head out to the woods. Maybe you could take some poi along with the trail mix.

3. This last idea might be your favorite. As I’ve contemplated your family predicament, it occurs to me that you two parents just might need some alone time. Raising two kids right in this day and age is getting harder, not easier. For two kids who reject both camping with you and Oahu with you, the best answer might be to leave them home with a trusted relative or adult while you two lovebirds head out and go wherever you want without the kids who turned up their noses at your gracious offer. They’ll be fine.

Rekindle your romance! How does Oahu sound? Just the two of you? Holding hands with long walks on the beach. Candlelight dinners on the lanai. With the money you’ll save, you could get a beautiful room on Waikiki with a view of Diamond Head. And give the kids some work to do back home so they don’t get bored. Perhaps they could keep a log about ash and wind direction. Has either of them ever considered a future in meteorology?

The longer I think about this, the more convinced I become. Remind yourself who is in charge at your house and then take this opportunity to demonstrate the importance of occasional alone time for husbands and wives.

As you two stare wistfully into each other’s eyes, you won’t even notice the ash.

Rev. Jon Karn
pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org