QUESTION: What’s to be done when a family that has been close is now divided by politics? Part of my family is far right and the other far left. We had a birthday party for our elderly aunt and my brother and sister got into a very heated argument. Thank God my dear auntie couldn’t hear the exchange because she’s hard of hearing. I took my siblings aside and asked them to please discontinue the discussion, which they did, but now they’re not speaking to each other.

To me, family is priority so I have a hard time understanding what the fuss is all about. Another sister “unfriended” one of our cousins on Facebook because of his political leanings. I don’t discuss politics with either side of the family.

Is there anything I can do or say that will reunite our family?
~ Sad Sister

Dear Sad Sister,
This is a very difficult situation and, as a therapist, I have never seen anything like it! Divided families, divided friends – and over politics! Never before have so many people come to therapists for exactly what you are talking about. I have been thinking about this for a while. We used to be able to say no talking about “religion or politics” and family and friends were able to get together, honor that and have a wonderful time. So why can’t we do it now?

The word “visceral” comes to mind. According to the dictionary, a visceral feeling is intuitive with maybe no rational explanation. For some, it feels like an attack on their core values. You are not alone in having a family torn apart by this and asking the family to not discuss politics doesn’t touch those deep-rooted feelings. You can certainly try again to bring the family together with the “no talking politics” agenda. If there are children in the family, maybe inviting them to come together for a game or an activity for the kids. Or you can meet individually with family members since you aren’t the one taking sides.

But my feeling is that this is going to take time – maybe years – for people to heal. Of course, prayer can help. And yet for some, we might have to bless them and let them go. 

Carolyn Young, LCSW
cjymesalila@gmail.com

Dear Sad Sister,
I am touched by your concern for your family; it is a difficult situation and you are struggling with what to do. Generally speaking discussing politics these days seems to be an activity that does divide people into one camp or another, and there seems to be no middle ground to be found. For some families this has always been the case where discussions about politics are just avoided because of the friction it causes. For others, discussions can be held and people agree to disagree but don’t attack one another for the differences they have. And then there are those families like you are describing when discussions end up in heated debate and feelings are hurt.

Not knowing your family, I am not sure how specifically I can answer your question of whether there is anything you can do or say that will reunite your family, but let me suggest a few general ideas.

First, this past Sunday our church celebrated Pentecost Sunday and used the Scripture from Acts 2:1-20. In this text I highlighted how people from a diversity of cultures, and who spoke different languages, were able to understand one another. This miracle was made possible by the Holy Spirit, which is one spirit that unites us together as one. So I see the intention of God to unite us together, to bring us understanding even in our diversity. This is not easy work, but if we are led by the Spirit in our daily living we will receive inspiration that leads to unity. You may not know exactly how to bring your family together right this moment, but grounded in prayer you will be connected to the Spirit of unity, which will lead you.

Second, you may want to suggest some ground rules to your family members when you gather. I am sure the anger your family experiences about politics is mixed with a desire to be together. There may be even regret about what has been said and done. But we often are a proud and stubborn people and so finding a way to reconcile with one another that honors each person can be a role in which you may be able to step into. Lifting up to each side that, politics aside, you really do love one another and want to continue to be there for one another can give people perspective.

Lastly, it is important to know that you may not be able to do anything that will fix the situation, so take time to pray for your family and ask them to pray for one another even if they disagree. Unfortunately our political leaders don’t seem to model how we can work together even when we disagree. It is up to us to find those ways and to resist actions and attitudes that cause us to divide into different sides of the political fence. I believe that by praying we can experience a miracle of unity, just like those people in Acts 2 did. This may mean we have different ideas, belong to different political parties, but learn to work together for the good of all

Blessings to you as you navigate through these difficult times.

Rev. Steve Poteete Marshall
planetarypilgrim@gmail.com

QUESTION: I’m a volunteer for a non-profit organization. One of the other volunteers sent an email to the officers that I felt was inappropriate because it could influence decision-making among the officers. I wrote the individual and he angrily defended his position. I wrote back indicating that I didn’t understand that he didn’t understand what he was doing. These emails were just between the two of us until he sent the string of emails to all the officers and demanded they conduct an investigation to vindicate him. I told him he’s entitled to his opinion and I’m entitled to mine and yet he is tenaciously pursuing a “tribunal.” I did speak to a couple of the officers about this and one said she agreed with me. The other officer said this should never have escalated like it has.
To me, this is a non-issue and should be dropped, but the guy hangs on like a dog on a bone. We have to work together, which makes this situation uncomfortable. I almost withdrew my volunteer status, but one of the officers talked me out of doing that.

What’s to be done when a person won’t budge from declaring his “innocence?” I never told him he was guilty of anything, that this is merely a difference of opinions.
~ Peace Loving Volunteer

Dear Peace Loving Volunteer,
I certainly can relate to your situation. “Spiritually Speaking,” the situation you have described presents possibly one of two options. Pursue reconciliation, which may not be reciprocated, or release yourself from the uncomfortable and unfortunate refusal to be understood for the original intent of what you shared, which you believed was in everyone’s best interest. Should you choose reconciliation know that it will need to be initiated and navigated by a third person whom the offended holds in high enough regard to allow them to do so. Also, you should prepare that you still may be refused.

Should you choose to release yourself you will be deciding to cut your current, and possibly future, losses by putting this behind you, placing this in your mind and emotions as a lesson learned in which you chose to release him and yourself of any offense.

Where there is no offense there is freedom – freedom to be a peace-loving volunteer. Bless you!

Pastor Mark Yeager
verdugohills@live.com

Dear Peaceful Volunteer,
Wow, this is doozy! I think the hardest thing in life is contemplating and practicing, “Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?” Even more so when we are absolutely convinced that we are right, and the other person is wrong, but the other person is arguing her side just as voraciously. Someone has to give, and often the spiritually healthier person is the one who is called to do so.

This column is Spiritually Speaking, and I am speaking from a spiritual context, not a legal context, common sense context, or what is fair context. Oftentimes our experiences don’t fit into any of those boxes. I’m not sure this is going to be the most popular opinion or one you will even like but here goes.

The initial email sent to the officers of the board of directors was between the person who sent it and the board. Interfering in a situation like this is really a critique of the directors. The critique being they aren’t clever, wise or strong enough in their own values and conscience to not be swayed into making the right decisions for the organization.
Then there is trust. From a spiritual perspective, do I trust God enough to handle this situation? Do I trust that if I don’t interfere everything is going to be okay? In my experience, trusting God rather than my finite self always seems to work much, much better than anything else I might come up with!

Rev. Holly Cardone
hollycardone@gmail.com