Question: For the last over two years, because of COVID, my husband and I haven’t seen our three grandchildren and their parents. This was necessary because of underlying physical conditions we both have. For whatever reason, our daughter has pretty much dropped the precautions to stay safe and is in the process of planning a trip to Hawaii. She and our son-in-law want us to join them, but we’re not comfortable traveling at this time.

Every time one of us has a conversation with either of them, we hear the inevitable, “Sure you don’t want to join us?” We have absolutely no intention of going and try as nicely as we can to tell them no. We always tell them to go, have a good time and send pictures. Is there a nice way of making our position very clear on this issue?   
~ Not Traveling 

Dear Not Traveling,

I’m sure it’s frustrating to not have your family “hear” you and honor your request to not travel now. And it seems important to them to want to include you. Perhaps that is why they continue to ask you – hoping you would change your mind.

That being said, why not talk to them one more time and explain your position and feelings and also acknowledge that you appreciate their offer to include you in their plans. Perhaps there could be a Zoom call or FaceTime call while they are on their trip. That way you would almost be present and part of their trip. Technology now makes it possible to do that and is second best to being there.

Circumstances for people are often accommodated by other means where it’s a win-win for all parties involved.

When I have a situation with someone, I always acknowledge that it is God talking to God, and understanding, clarity, patience and love are present in our conversation.  God talking to God, spirit talking to spirit – not ego talking to ego, personality vs. personality. No one is right or wrong … and it always works out for everyone.

Your family loves you. And you have your own boundaries to be honored, with love.

Good luck! Enjoy sharing the trip by another means.

Blessings,

Laney Clevenger White, RScP
laneycl@ca.rr.com

Dear Not Traveling,

In a word, no! Seriously, that may sound a little harsh but sometimes harsh words are the only ones to get through to those who can’t or won’t listen. My late minister friend Dennis Adams wrote a short book about being honest, direct and respectful. It sounds to me as if you have done all those things with your daughter (you have been honest, direct and respectful) and I’m sure you don’t want to create any unnecessary friction in your family.

How about this? The next time your daughter invites you on a trip to Timbuktu or wherever say very nicely that you appreciate her thinking of you (after all, you seem to have raised her right – she is thinking of her parents!), but tell her that your traveling days are over. That may be the truth or it may not be, but it also might shock your daughter into realizing that you are no longer 30 but (fill in the blank for whatever age you are). If she says, “Oh, Mom, you really aren’t that old!” say to her in reply, “Oh yes we are!” And then gently tell her in as nice a way as possible that that is what you have been trying to say every time she asks you to go along with her. You’d like to hear all about the trip when she gets back. But as for tagging along with her, those days are gone. It just could be that your daughter is in denial about the passage of time and she does not want to look at the fact that we all age … and die! Even her wonderful, loving parents

Yours for truth and honesty and respectfulness,

Question: I’m twice divorced with two adult children who I seldom see and who rarely call or check up on me. My problem has been trying to live on the meager Social Security I receive every month. I have a friend who moved to Mexico and is living comfortably in a community with many Americans. Her income is about the same as mine. If I moved there, my monthly income would go a lot further and provide a better lifestyle. When I told my kids I’m thinking of relocating there, they didn’t like the idea. I told them they could come and visit and I wouldn’t have the financial struggle I have here. I’m serious about the move and will probably go within the next couple of months. Even though I’ve laid out all the facts, the kids don’t seem to be listening. I just don’t know what to say when they start in attempting to change my mind. Help!
~Moving Soon

Dear Moving Soon ~

It sounds like you’ve been thinking about this for a while. It’s a big move, but as long as you’ve done effective research, it may provide a better lifestyle for you. The fears surrounding moving to another country revolve around safety, security and accessibility. The funny thing about our children is they’re less inclined to be amenable to change when it comes to us because it upsets their vision of things – mom or dad won’t be where I’m used to anymore. Also, the concept strikes the nerve of how they will reach us if they need us.     

All that to say you have every right to make decisions about your life. You’re not answerable to your children. As long as you have healthy cognitive abilities and are able-bodied, these are your choices.

Scripture advises in 2 Timothy 1:7: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (NKJV)

Often our children believe that we’ve lost the capacity to manage ourselves, mainly when we choose to act in a way they feel is unbefitting. It’s not their fault, however. We raise them in the faith to be sensitive and compassionate and watch over us in our old age. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord [that is, accept their guidance and discipline as His representatives], for this is right [for obedience teaches wisdom and self-discipline]. Honor [esteem, value as precious] your father and your mother [and be respectful to them] – this is the first commandment with a promise – so that it may be well with you, and that you may have a long life on earth.

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to the point of resentment with demands that are trivial or unreasonable or humiliating or abusive; nor by showing favoritism or indifference to any of them], but bring them up [tenderly, with loving kindness] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:1-4 (AMP)

So, we all have responsibilities, parents and children to care for one another.

I wonder what it would be like for you to approach your children again with the data to support your decision. They still may not listen to you, [but instead provide] you with an opportunity to declare what you’re going to do in no uncertain terms. You may want to keep your voice even and not give rise to emotions that might begin to brew inside. Instead, try to listen to their concerns, weigh the value and continue to make the wisest decisions you have for yourself.

Remember to enlist the power of prayer to speak clearly and concisely to their attempts to reason with you. Then, in the same calm and caring manner, share your heart with them adding that you’re not trying to get away from them but trying to have a better quality of life with relatable people in a less stressful financial environment.

As you prepare to meet with them and have consulted with the Holy Spirit for guidance and discernment, He will provide ways for you to speak directly to their concerns with conviction. Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. I suggest a thoughtful and kind approach, but with strength. After all, they’re still your children and leaving with an unblemished relationship will bless you and them.

I wish you blessings of peace in your process and happy trails on your next adventure!

Be well & be blessed!

Dear Moving Soon,

It certainly is a struggle in today’s economy to make ends meet on a limited income like Social Security. Without a significant savings or retirement, it’s difficult to think of facing the economic future with any sense of anticipation. I can also understand how the move would help you feel like you have a greater opportunity to maintain somewhat of a normal lifestyle. I would like to suggest some things you might consider when thinking about talking further with your adult children about this decision.

I think it would be helpful to remind them of all the years when they were younger that you lovingly devoted almost all of your time caring for them and providing for them. But when they became adults and took on adult responsibilities, they were no longer dependent on you. And now it’s time for you to have the freedom to make wise choices that are in your best interest whether or not they agree with them.

Second, like most adults in retirement, I’m sure you don’t want to be a burden to your children and have to rely on them to help provide for you. And the reality is, if they seldom call and check up on you now then staying here probably won’t change that to any degree.

Finally, if you have committed this decision to the Lord and feel good about it, then I suggest you let them know that you’ve done that. As we face our later years, finding a community of like-minded people and the ability to maintain our independence is one of the most important things to all of us. If your children love you, and I’m sure they do, they will want what’s best for you just like you did for them all the years they were growing up.

Making a move that is in your own best interest might sound selfish but you simply need to follow the instructions of Solomon in Proverbs 3:5-6 to: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.”

Praying God’s best to you as you talk with your children and move in the direction you feel the Lord is leading you!

Pastor Randy Foster
randy.clc@att.net