QUESTION: Is there a gracious way to get out of conversations when people are talking and talking and talking? I assist a motivational speaker who does all day workshops and sometimes two and three day workshops. I’ve observed people lining up at break time and lunchtime to talk to the speaker, who is very nice and never interrupts them. He tells me he’d like to remove himself from endless conversations without being rude. Many times when we’ve had an hour and a half lunch break, over a half hour has gone by before he can get away and have lunch.

The workshop venues have restaurants and by the time his food arrives he has very little time to eat and enjoy his lunch. One time, after observing this over and over, I fudged a little and interrupted the person he was listening to by saying, “Your lunch is ready.” He gave me a questioning look, but this particular time he had over an hour for lunch break, which doesn’t happen often.

Is there a better way to manage these situations? By the end of these workshops, he is always very weary.
~ Just Trying to Help

Dear Just Trying to Help,
The problem with working for a motivational speaker is: He’s a speaker who likes to motivate! That’s a little tongue-in-cheek, but it goes without saying that those whose giftedness is motivating others sometimes have a difficult time knowing how to maintain self-care in their pursuit of helping others. But without proper boundaries, those seeking the speaker’s attention will often go beyond normal courtesy in demanding his time. It’s fortunate for the person you assist that he has you to lean on with this situation.

King Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes 4:9: “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.” Let him know that you sincerely want to help him since he has told you that he would like to remove himself from these endless conversations. [Let him know] that your role isn’t to stifle his ability to reach out to others but that you want to come up with a plan together to deal with these draining conversations. If he truly wants your help then it is important that you both understand what you are going to do in these situations before they occur. If you wait until someone has already engaged him in conversation to try to intervene on his behalf, it puts him in an awkward position with that person. I would suggest that you do a “pre-flight safety briefing” with him much like you do on a plane before takeoff.
In your briefing with him, suggest that you stay close to him during that time if possible and even inform the people who are waiting to talk with him that he has a very tight schedule and, in order to respect his time, they should keep their questions or comments brief. That isn’t just for his benefit, but the benefit of others waiting to speak to him. Also, you should have some pre-arranged signals between you two to indicate when it’s time for you to step up and help him conclude the conversation.

When someone is dominating his time and attention, there is nothing wrong with saying to him something like, “We need to move on to your other obligations,” or “Let’s make sure you have time to eat and prepare for your next session.” Whatever your interruption line is, make sure he understands ahead of time what you will say in order to help him.
He has to agree to permit you to assist him. But if you make it clear that your only motivation is to help him maintain balance in his role as a motivational speaker, then he is more likely to work out a plan with you. Assisting others is a gift in itself. Use your gift wisely and everyone will benefit.

Pastor Randy Foster
randy.clc@att.net

Dear Just Trying to Help,
The motivational speaker you assist is blessed to have you. I am going to mention some observations, then give you some objective tools to communicate to the speaker you work with.

Stopping or moving conversations along are skills and one does have to utilize the skills. As a motivational speaker, I would have hoped these skills had been thoroughly taught to the speaker you work for, as managing conversations is a huge aspect of this profession. I’ll provide some insight and concrete strategies that must be implemented; there is no other way. These strategies are not rude; they are directive and effective for the job at hand.

First, individuals who monopolize conversations or talk endlessly lack social skills and insight. Motivational speakers normally have good social skills and high insight, or they must learn them. It is a vital part of our job to take charge of the situation – model and maneuver if you will.

Next, here are a few concrete tips. If the issue requires intervention for speakers to partake in lunch, they can say something witty that provides a boundary, “Well, I am sure you all have great questions. I am going to get some sustenance so I can answer them! Anyone having questions, please come back into the auditorium 15 minutes prior to the next session. I will answer as many as I can before the session begins.” If the event is a closing session, the speaker can frontload directives that they will end 15 minutes early to allow for questions but that they need to leave promptly at (1 p.m.) to get to another commitment

Finally, when speakers find themselves caught in questioning, here are a couple of strategies to utilize. They can put their finger up as to say, “I need to stop and take two more questions,” then point to the next person. Finally, ending with the universal signal for “stop” by putting their hand up and saying, “I’ll take one more then I need to get to a lunch meeting.” Speaking requires one to be extremely directive at times. Again, it is a skill as much as producing content.

When it is time for a speaker to go, it is never required for them to give too much information. Simply stating, “I’ll take one more question then I have somewhere I need to be” can mean their car, home or picking up a child. Sometimes I will invite someone to walk out with me so I am moving toward my destination while finishing with the inquiry.

I hope this helps.

The Rev. Kimberlie Zakarian
kimberlie.zakarian@gmail.com

QUESTION: Is it okay to choose not be involved in an uncomfortable situation? Six of us women who met at a leadership training have stayed in touch and often we meet for lunch or happy hour. One woman was not invited to our last lunch because at the prior lunch gathering she was “loud and boisterous.” Somehow she found out she wasn’t included and has not been told the reason. I didn’t want to be the one who “corrected” her so, when she called me and asked if I knew why, I told her I didn’t know. Actually, the decision to not include her was made by the person who lets us know where and when to meet. Only one other person agreed with her.

Should I have told the person the truth and let the “organizer” know I didn’t agree? I didn’t find her behavior that offensive. She was just having a good time.
– Troubled Friend

Dear Troubled Friend,
Group dynamics can be difficult, particularly when there are negative feelings among one or more individuals in the group. You didn’t mention how long you’ve been getting together. If this is a group you enjoy being with, then speak up and communicate that you choose peace and harmony amongst everyone! Let the organizer know you didn’t agree. If she doesn’t like what you have to say, perhaps it’s time to move on.

It’s understandable that you’re not comfortable with what transpired. Do you know how the others feel and/or do you know if she (the organizer) collaborated with any others in the group before she decided not to include her?

Transparency is the best way to go. When the excluded person called, you could have told her the reason and that you didn’t agree with that reason. This would have taken you out of the “loop of judgment.” And you can still make amends by calling her and inviting her to lunch. A conversation with just the two of you can help wounded feelings. I would also caution you about not talking negatively about any other person in your group when the two of you talk about this incident.

What’s coming through from your inquiry is your reluctance to convey your true feelings. A good motto to remember in our everyday interpersonal relationships is, “Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.” The first Law of the Universe is Love: “Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6). Love is glad when truth is spoken. Therefore love aims at truth. It supports truth.

Rev. Beverly Craig
LCCRS@earthlink.net

Dear Troubled Friend,
Uncomfortable situations occur almost every day, in one aspect of our lives or another. Especially in our relationships, the truth (as we see it) can be a very ugly or hurtful thing for another person to hear. We try our best to avoid confrontation, to be kind, to be Christ-like and turn the other cheek, but at some point the truth will surface. When I feel that discomfort, and am deciding what to say to someone, I ask myself these questions: Is it True? Is it necessary? Is it kind? As a minister, I do my best to uphold the Truth in the face of all kinds of adverse conditions. Does this mean I automatically tell my spouse that he looks old and haggard today when he may just be tired? Hopefully not.

In the case of your women’s group, it sounds like there is unkindness and avoidance of this “disruptive” woman rather than dealing with her in a kind way. Covering up the truth is a hurtful behavior for all involved. Take responsibility for your part in this, and bring it up for discussion with these other women. Odds are if the one or two unkind women will do this to one person, they will do it to any of you.

Groucho Marx said he would never want to be part of a group that would have him as a member. In all seriousness, make sure this group is a reflection of the kind of woman you want to be, the kind of friend you want to be, and live by the Golden Rule … treat others the way you want to be treated.

Rev. Karen Mitchell
karen@karenmitchellmusic.com