QUESTION: My husband (I’ll call him John) is very depressed after losing a job that he had for 30 years. The company filed for bankruptcy and totally closed down. John worked his way up from delivery boy to management and has incredible management skills, so I think he would have no problem finding another management position. For two months now, he has just sat around the house and hasn’t tried to get another job, even though he has a great resume with letters of commendation from his former company’s CEO. Fortunately, we’re okay financially because I work, and John received an inheritance a year ago.

John will not take medication. I love this man whom I’ve been married to for 26 years. Please help me to help him.
~ Concerned Wife

Dear Concerned Wife,
There is so much information that is in not included in your letter that would be necessary to give you some specific advice. Therefore, I would encourage your husband to seek advice from your minister or from a professional counselor. His level of depression may be quite normal for what he has experienced. Thirty years is long time to be with one company, and your husband has not only lost a job but also the daily association with many friends whom he has known for quite some time.

When someone experiences a loss such as this, there will be and needs to be a period of grief. All of us handle grief differently, and it is not necessarily unusual that your husband is experiencing some depression.

If your husband is unwilling to sit down with your minister or with a professional counselor, then I recommend that you do so. He or she will be able to ask you the questions needed to better determine how serious John’s depression is. It may be that, after sharing, you’ll find out that John’s reaction is fairly normal, and you have nothing to be concerned about. On the other hand, if your minister or counselor feels that John’s reaction is indeed cause for concern, you can encourage him to get help. If he’s still unwilling to get help at this point, you should consider seeing the minister or counselor yourself for support and advice.

Finally, your love, prayers and support will play a significant part in helping your husband through this season in his life.

Warmly,

Pastor Bill Flanders 

bill_flanders@att.net

Dear Concerned Wife,
I congratulate you on maintaining a successful marriage for so many years. You obviously love your husband deeply and want what is best for him. With the loss of his 30-year job, it sounds as if your husband is dealing with not only losing a large part of his life but also a big part of his identity. I would not be surprised to hear that he is going through a grieving and reassessment period. Two months is not a very long time when considering such a life-changing loss. He may be struggling with even the idea of starting over at a new company at this point.

He needs to figure out what the next step is going to be. You mentioned that he won’t take medication, but has he been diagnosed with depression? Did he suffer from depression when he had his job? If not, it may simply be a situational depression that will pass naturally as his new life situation takes hold.

What if you took some time away together to talk about what’s next for both of you? Try a new hobby, or a spiritual yoga class, where you can connect

at a deeper level together. Plan a fun get-together with friends who love and support both of you, and take the focus off of him finding a job.

In the book “Ask and It Is Given” by Esther and Jerry Hicks they say that no one else can tell us what is right for us to do, and that we always have the answer within us. It is important to remember that even a dedicated wife of 26 years cannot take on her husband’s life journey. Be loving, supportive, patient and kind. If you feel that he needs a doctor to help with depression, by all means suggest it in a loving way. In the end, you cannot live his life for him, or make his choices about taking medication, eating healthy or even whether or not he chooses to exercise.

Dr. David Richo, in his book “How To Be An Adult In Relationships,” asks us whether we are being “caregivers” or “caretakers.” He goes on to say that being compassionate does not mean that we become caretakers. Caretaking fosters dependency and comes from a belief that the other people can’t do it for themselves. Conversely, caregivers support the other person by fostering skill building, and they come from a belief in empowering the other person to be independent. Perhaps your husband needs to rediscover himself – for himself – and to feel that you trust him and have faith in his ability to do just that.

Rev. Karen Mitchell
karen@karenmitchellmusic.com

QUESTION: We raised our three children in a drug-free home. We made it our business to educate them about the dangers of drugs. They are all now young adults in their 20s, and we just found out that two of them smoke marijuana.

We are totally against smoking the stuff for recreational purposes, although we’re okay with medical marijuana, which seems to help many illnesses. We’re heartbroken, and we feel as though everything we’ve done to keep them away from drugs didn’t do a bit of good. We know that the Bible tells us “judge not …” but we’re having a very difficult time with this. We’re thinking of the long-range ramifications, as in when they have children. We also want still to maintain good family relationships even though we feel as we do. Help!
~ Parents in Distress

Dear Parents in Distress,
As parents, we plant seeds in our children as they grow up, hoping that those seeds take root and they consequently make right and good decisions in their lives. Life is full of choices, and it sounds as though you have done your part to educate them about drugs. You haven’t mentioned if you actually have discussed with them their current marijuana smoking, or that you only know about it. If you’ve not discussed it – and even if you have – plan to have a family gathering with them to express your concerns and your understanding that you know that we all make choices, but that this is an important choice to think about for their future and for their own children’s futures. 

“Expectation” is a powerful word. We expect certain behavior or things from others. And sometimes it sets us up for disappointment because we don’t “get” what we expect from others. If you use this word coming from the knowing of love, wisdom and trust, then you can see and feel those qualities in those from whom we are “expecting” certain behaviors, without judgment or criticism, and they will listen.

When we criticize, others go into defensive mode, shut off their listening skills, and we are fighting against a wall. We’ve all done
that. If you can come from a pure place of love, understanding that they want to try marijuana and asking them why they chose to do this, with an open and listening heart, then you will be planting more seeds for consideration about how it could affect their
future. Express your trust in them to make right decisions, let them know that you love them, and that you know that they love you. Give them some breathing room to think about what they are doing, and how they can honor their own selves by making good decisions.  

We all have our own ways of relaxing or getting away from life’s challenges. If they discuss with you any challenges they are having, perhaps among all of you there could be better solutions. Lend a listening heart and ear. By openly discussing this situation, it can take any
pressure off and give them time to think about this choice they have made.

Allow yourself to feel your own feelings of heartbreak, but don’t wallow in it. We have to honor our own feelings, but we don’t need to play victim to them. Stand proud in knowing that you planted good seeds and that you expect and know that those good seeds will bear beautiful flowers. Sometimes we just need to pull out those pesky weeds that crop up and allow the beautiful flower to continue its growth.

I’m knowing for you and your family that divine right action and love prevail.
Blessings,

Laney Clevenger-White,
RScP Emeritus
laneycl@ca.rr.com

Dear Parents in Distress,
The Bible says in Proverbs 22:6, “Raise up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” This is a promise we should hold dear in our heart.

All children go through a developmental phase in which they begin to experience life through their own eyes. During this time, they experiment with life in ways that we hoped, as parents, we would have taught them to avoid. But we have to continue to believe that the values we taught them will bear more weight on their life decisions as they grow older.

We still need to love our children unconditionally, without endorsing behavior or decisions they make, continuing in relationships with them. But now we have to make a shift and begin to treat them as independent adults (no longer dependent children), hopefully influencing them through our love for them. Parenting at this point is no longer a sprint; it has become a marathon. Adult relationships work best with mutual support and accountability, but both of these become voluntary, not mandatory, with our adult children. They will make their own decisions that you think they should know better than to make, and they will make mistakes through which one hopes they will learn. Remember what life was like for you when you were their age (unless you were perfect children – LOL). Be there for them. If you judge and push them away, then you won’t be there when they open up and look for your help.

Pray for them. Look for opportunities to interact with them. Keep your heart and mind open for ways to encourage them without judgment. Through this “new” parenting approach, one can find opportunities to speak into their life without preaching or being the “helicopter” parent who becomes tolerated and annoying.

Letting go while still being involved is a difficult task for any parent. Some parents never learn to let go, and children begin unconsciously to fight for their independence.

Keep on loving them!
Sincerely (as parent of seven),
Pastor Terry Neven
thegathering.socal@gmail.com