Question: My dear friend and I taught together at the same school for many years. She moved out of state and we mainly stay in touch by telephone. My problem is that she does most of the talking, very little listening and talks so fast I cannot even comment without interrupting her and when I do she tells me I’m being rude.

I really do value our friendship. Is there a kind way to convey to her I don’t feel she’s listening without our friendship being jeopardized? Sometimes I just feel like hanging up, but I don’t. ~ Bewildered Friend

Dear Bewildered Friend,

My first question would be this: Was your friend like this before she moved out of state? If so, how did you keep the friendship going then? If not, perhaps you should tell your friend that she has changed, and not for the better!

When I told my therapist wife about your situation, she opined that your friend probably tells other people that they are rude, too, when they try to get a word in edgewise. I am not sure that there’s a satisfactory way out of your dilemma. I think you need to confront your friend in some way, and I know that that is a hard thing to do! I personally hate confrontations, but sometimes such action is required.

You say you don’t want to lose the friendship, but at what cost? And is it really a friendship if you don’t get some of your needs met? I understand that you don’t want to be the bad guy. I don’t, either, and I get calls sometimes from friends who seem to call at the most inopportune times – for me! But I’ll listen if I don’t have something to say, and I just sort of wait until they finish what’s on their minds and then they decide to hang up. (Did I mention that I’m sometimes a wuss in my own relationships?!) But here is what I would do: The next time you talk and your friend doesn’t seem to want to listen, try to say as politely as you can that you need to speak, too. And if you are called “rude” again, say something like, “I’m sorry, but I have needs, too. I’ve listened to you for a while, and now it’s your turn to listen. After all, we both have two ears and only one mouth. I think that’s God’s way of telling us that sometimes we need to listen at least as much as we talk.”

If that doesn’t work, I’m guessing that you wanted and needed that so-called “friendship” more than your friend did.

Dear Bewildered Friend,

It is a rare gift to have a friendship that has lasted over the years, despite being at a physical distance from each other. I feel your frustration and also feel that your concern comes from a place of love. I am wondering if this is a new behavior that your friend is displaying with her lack of listening? Sometimes sudden changes in behavior can indicate a medical issue. Maybe she has become hard of hearing? Maybe she feels lonely, depressed or isolated? That is the case with my mother-in-law. Because she has hearing issues, and can’t hear us well on the phone, she will often talk continuously, and very quickly, leaving no space for us to reply. She has also become lonely, with the COVID lockdowns, and has no one else to talk to.

Whatever the issue, you need to find a workable solution to this problem, before you become so frustrated that you do end up hanging up on your friend and risk losing your friendship. I have discovered that when I just listen and allow a natural space to open up, my mother-in-law eventually comes to a stopping point. Then she asks how I am doing and apologizes for talking so much. I tell her it’s okay, and start to tell her how I am. Sometimes she starts on another burst of talking and other times she really hears me. I love her, and I allow her to do what she needs to do. Every now and then, I do get a word in edgewise and I keep my sense of humor about it, knowing the challenges that she is living with.

There is an ancient Arabic proverb that states: Speech is silver, silence is golden.” And, quoting the Bible, there is “a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.” (Eccl.3:1, 7) I suggest not interrupting your friend, as it doesn’t work anyway (and truly is a bit rude, after all). Wait in silence until a natural pause unfolds. Be patient and kind. If this still doesn’t work for you, I suggest you write her a letter about how you feel, asking if there is anything you can do to help the conversation to flow in both directions. You can also choose to see this as an opportunity for you to become an even better listener. After all, true listening comes from listening with your heart, listening without an agenda and always listening with love.

Question: With the school year about to begin, my husband and I can’t agree on whether to send our 7-year-old son back to in-person learning or continue at home via the Internet. In-person means he has to wear masks the entire school day except at lunchtime. I think at this time we should keep him home and perhaps even consider home schooling. Safety first is my reasoning. Our disagreement over this has become intense, because his father thinks the social aspect is more important.

Two questions: If you had a child this age, would you send the child back to school? Do you believe socialization is more important than safety? Thank you for helping us to sort this out. ~ Quarreling Parents

Dear Quarreling Parents,

This has been a quandary for so many parents. A year ago, I would not have allowed my kids to go to school if they had an option. As time passed, I was fine with the idea of them going in the fall as we began the summer. Then the Delta variant hit our area and I was so frustrated for the kids’ safety – including their mental health safety. And this is the biggest problem I have seen overall due to COVID.

This past year, as a psychologist, I have seen a tremendous rise in mental health issues in individuals – especially children and teenagers. For young people, socialization is safety. Humans are created by God to be in reciprocating relationships. The Bible speaks a lot about community and healing in community. Science shows that many mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, trauma, isolation, loneliness (yes these are mental health issues too), are improved and sometimes even cured by behaviorally being busy and interacting socially on a regular basis. I saw kids so depressed this past year that it became dangerous for them and treatment had to be sought.

This year is my son’s senior year in high school and he is on the varsity basketball team. His college future, education and career all depends on what he loves and worked for since he was 7 years old. The loss of playing basketball, fellowship with his teammates, a possible athletic scholarship and the depression that would inevitably follow if he did not attend his senior year would be much worse than getting sick for a couple of weeks.

Likewise, our 8-year-old twins have been happy and thriving since they started school two weeks ago. They shine and have so many stories. They had been doing school remotely for almost 18 months. We had to have them tutored over the summer because they just were not meeting their standards online. It was a year of frustration and inactivity.

So unless a child is immunocompromised, as a health care professional I believe the good outweighs the negative on this one. I would, and did, send my children to school.

Rev. Kimberlie Zakarian
kimberlie.zakarian@gmail.com

Dear Quarreling Parents,

This virus has divided people like nothing before. So I suspect that offering my opinion will do little to help you sort things out. But I’ll give it a try.

I should begin by reminding you how much has changed over the last year and a half. Back to school 2021 marks the third school year impacted by this virus that escaped from Wuhan in the fall of 2019. So many have opinions – myself included. And those opinions have had to be corrected over and over as we learn more and more about this virus. My own family experienced COVID and we did not have mild cases. So I am sympathetic to your call for safety. I should add of all the people I know who are currently sick with COVID all but one had been previously vaccinated. COVID-19 is a humbling disease for those who have all the answers. Discount everyone who says they have all the answers.

You have asked two questions: If you had a child this age, would you send the child back to school? Do you believe socialization is more important than safety?

Let me be forthright. First, if I had a 7-year -old, I would indeed send him back to school. Second, nothing is more important than the safety of my child. My wife quietly suspects that I’m a safety maniac where our child is concerned. She’s probably right. But can I offer some food for thought?

The voices we listen to in the media seek to trap us in the prison of two ideas. Increasingly, here are our two choices: Anyone who isn’t vaccinated or wearing a mask or isn’t social distancing is automatically a murderer; or all of this is a scam, a “plandemic” devised by the government as a way to control you. Do not comply! Both of these two ridiculous ideas have been poured down our throats to divide us for months. We’ve been bombarded with social media censorship, partisans in lab coats and shifting medical conclusions by institutions we trusted. People don’t know what to believe anymore! The longer this drags on, the more suspicious I become of the voices that seek to divide us. And now even you two are divided.

First, resist the prison of only two ideas. That prison exists solely for click bait, ratings, money and dividing people. Lots of things can be true at once. Adults do risk assessment every day about a wide variety of the issues of life. There is risk every time you leave your house or drive your car or take your child to school. Do your homework and take the risks that are acceptable. And then pray. This leads me to my second point.

At the outset of this pandemic, I heard one lauded epidemiologist proclaim that the virus does not respond to prayer. My heart sank at his hubris. By contrast, just a few days ago, the governor of Louisiana declared a day of fasting and prayer against the virus. He understands that when the only way forward is dangerous, the providence of God is a bulwark of protection against life’s perils. There is so much danger out there, so much you can’t control. I struggled with this. I still do. But life was never meant to be risk-free. Do an assessment. Then pray.

Rev. Jon T. Karn
pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org