Question: My children’s father and I divorced when Justin was 6 and Melody was 8 years old. While he was with us, he was a good father. He’s been good about keeping up with child support payments but not visiting them when he says he will. There have been days when the kids stand at the window waiting for him and he doesn’t show up. He always comes up with a lame excuse. In the meantime the kids are tearful and disappointed.

Please suggest ways I can speak to him that will make him understand and be a better father. Frustrated Mom

Dear Frustrated Mom,

Unfortunately your situation is not uncommon and certainly is challenging to deal with. And there can be a solution that would be a win-win for everyone involved, if everyone is willing to be open to resolving it.

Not knowing the whole picture of your relationship with your ex-husband, but looking at it from a perspective that it is or could be amicable where you would work together for a solution, these are my thoughts.

If you can have a time of a “good sit down and let’s discuss this” with him, not being angry or accusatory but just letting him know you want to understand why he has not been able to follow through on his commitment to see his children … perhaps that would open the door to a change. Living in a divorced situation is not easy for anyone.

It might be emotionally painful for him and so he avoids being with them. Remind him that it is so important for the children to spend time with their dad because it is hurtful to them when he disappoints them by not showing up. It can have long-term effects on them and their relationships in their future. Remind him that he matters to them and, as difficult as it is to not have him in the home, it is more difficult for the children to not see him at all.

Perhaps he just doesn’t know what to do with them activity-wise. Remind him that just being together, talking and sharing over an ice cream in a park, makes a difference. Those heartfelt conversations together can create lasting important memories. Just being present can be enough. The time is not costly, but the togetherness is priceless. Even making phone calls often to talk to them make a difference.

Love is the most powerful healing agent of all situations. And coming from that perspective of approaching things with love instead of fear and anger is a big and important step of healing.

Being honest to yourself and to others, like your children, can open the door to a better relationship. I’m talking about spiritual love, where one recognizes the spirit, the Godness and the goodness, in another person regardless of circumstances and personality. When we realize and recognize those components in each other it overpowers the humanness of people … and healing, compassion, understanding and peace takes place.

Blessings for a positive outcome filled with love.

Dear Frustrated Mom,

Before I share my perspective, I want to let you know that I experienced what your children are experiencing: missed birthdays, shortened phone calls and a sense of abandonment that cut deep and continues to hurt. When I’m feeling generous, I consider how wounded my father must have felt to have such a shift in priorities because I cannot imagine holding a shame so great that it would take me away from my children.

It is possible that your ex-husband has such a low opinion of himself that he can’t bring himself to show up; if that’s the case, “be better” doesn’t help (he knows how much he is falling short). Again, being generous, I would suggest a therapist who can help him through his grief and shame. Words of advice from you and pleading from the children will probably not help.

But this is also where my childhood experiences can give some hope: I had several father figures growing up, people who embodied an aspect of being that I was able to consider in my personal development. My grandfather, my scoutmaster, my pastor each contributed to who I am. Of course, my mother took on the role of doing everything and doing her best to make our lives feel significant.

It is impossible to replace a father, but I encourage you to consider the adults in your children’s lives who can make them feel seen and celebrated. And in the meantime hold out hope that your ex-husband will find a path that leads him back to those he loves.

Rev. Kyle Sears
kylesears@lacanadachurch.org