Question: We have a 4-year-old daughter who just started Sunday school. Before that, she was in the church nursery. She overheard her Sunday school teachers talking about a congregant who passed away. She asked them what happens when people pass away. She was told they go to heaven. She told us she was asking questions that weren’t answered because they started their Sunday school lesson.

When she came home, she asked us, “Where is heaven and what is it like?” The bottom line was she was fearful she was going to die as well. We answered her as best we could and told her that the person the teachers were talking about was very old, in his 90s, and she had nothing to worry about. We also explained to her that heaven is a beautiful place where Jesus is and everyone is well and happy. We feel we didn’t really explain this very well.

Please help us tell her more from a spiritual perspective.  ~ Uncertain Parents

Dear Uncertain Parents,

Do you have a dog or a cat? I have had both, and right now have three dogs. I do not have any children, however, so maybe I shouldn’t be the one answering you. But every child at some point realizes that this life does not last forever.

I’m sorry that your child seems to be realizing this earlier rather than later.

I think you did a good thing by telling her that heaven is where Jesus is and everybody is happy there. I believe that, too. But maybe now is the time to remind her that nothing lives forever, not even the sun that we see every day. (I think it has about four billion years left. When it goes, we go!)

How about this? Tell your daughter that in this beautiful world that God created, the Lord decided that every living thing has a beginning and an end. That’s why I mentioned pets at the top of my comments. Our beloved animal friends don’t live as long as we do. And some trees live a lot longer than we do. I don’t know why God created everything this way ­– some things live for a while and then die. But God did. However, the good thing for us believers is that we believe we’ll see each other again … and God too! And when we do, we can ask him why he created as he did.

In the meantime, let us thank God for whatever time he gives us to enjoy this beautiful creation. And at the same time, let us thank him for the hope of living with him forever and ever. Amen.

I hope this helps.

Dear Uncertain Parents,

These are particularly challenging subjects, death and heaven, to unravel for a child. Your daughter’s reaction is not uncommon as children can’t yet understand abstract ideas. For example, the concept of death is scary because young ones can’t fathom not being alive; it doesn’t make sense because they can’t anchor the thought to anything they currently know or understand. Likewise, the idea of heaven prompts children to struggle with being away from their parents and the safety of home.

When explaining concepts to children, the number one strategy is to tell them the absolute truth in age-appropriate terms. In other words, please don’t get into lengthy narratives but use short, simple explanations that give them something they can understand. Try to answer their questions honestly, which might mean, “I’m not sure,” but always fashion a response of some kind. When we avoid their questions, the topic becomes more intriguing, which might cause additional challenges.

It’s essential that you are authentic and transparent with her. Healthily expressing your emotions gives her permission to feel and express her own. Be direct: talk about death, not “passing away” or “going to sleep” because your daughter will likely seek to relate that to herself. For example, passing away or going to sleep may make her fear sleeping because she may feel she might not wake up. She may be concerned that God might want to take her to heaven, as well.

Addressing heaven and faith with your daughter is another tricky concept. When we say, “He’s gone home to be with God,” children often wonder if God will take them, too.

When my older daughter was young, she wasn’t as much afraid of death because it wasn’t something she could relate to, but the thought of heaven seriously challenged her. She told me that she wasn’t sure she’d like it there because she wouldn’t be near familiar things and especially her sister and me. But, again, this thought circles back to her inability to embrace abstract thoughts.

When we read Revelation 21, we find many beautiful descriptive phrases about heaven: “And he carried me away in the Spirit to a mountain great and high, and showed me the Holy City, Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God. It shone with the glory of God, and its brilliance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal.” (v. 10-11) “The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, the fifth onyx, the sixth ruby, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth turquoise, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst. The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.” (v. 19-21)

As lovely a picture the words portray, even adults have trouble wrapping their minds around the glory of heaven. So imagine the challenge of a child in conceptualizing these images.

There’s help though! Many excellent books have been written to assist you in your quest, as well as online resources. Here are a couple of websites that may be useful: “How to Talk to Kids About Death,” npr.org/2019/04/24/716702066/death-talking-with-kids-about-the-end; “How to Talk to Your Kids About Death and Heaven,” whatsinthebible.com/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-death-and-heaven; “Teaching Kids About Heaven,” focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teaching-kids-about-heaven.

And a few books are written for children: “When Someone You Love Dies” by R. Dodd, “Tell Me About Heaven and Heaven for Kids,” by R. Alcorn, “God Made Me for Heaven: Helping Children Live for an Eternity with Jesus” by M. Machowski, “Heaven, God’s Promise for Me” by A. Graham Lotz and “Someday Heaven” by L. Libby.

Blessings to you in your quest to help your sweet daughter understand that she doesn’t need to be afraid of death or heaven. Be present with her, model your faith to her, encourage her that there’s nothing to worry about, speak honestly and directly, and give lots of hugs!

Be well; be blessed!

Question: I have a sister, I’ll call her Jan, who is constantly borrowing money. I can afford to help her because I have a good job and I’m also good at managing my money. My concern is that Jan does little to find a better job to increase her income although I’ve given her several what I consider good leads. We both have college degrees in business and marketing. I’m thinking I’m enabling her and, at the same time, I don’t want to see her struggle.

I pray about this, but haven’t come to any conclusions that won’t jeopardize our relationship. I’m getting married next year and would like to stop lending her money as my new husband and I begin our lives together.

What is the right thing to do and how do I go about this? ~ Loving Sister

Dear Loving Sister,

You probably are enabling her, but the good news is that the timing is perfect to make a change. You are getting married. You can tell her that since you are getting married, you and your new husband will be sharing your finances and that loaning her money doesn’t fit into your budget anymore. Say that you are so sorry about that, but also say, “I’m sure you’ll understand.” How could she not? You don’t need to explain any further than this. Also don’t give her any tips about finding a new job. You’ve tried that and it hasn’t worked. She’ll have to adjust.

By the way, I’m thinking that she already knew this was coming … what with the new husband and all. Have a lovely wedding!

Carolyn Young
cjymesalila@gmail.com

Dear Loving Sister,

First of all, let me say that it’s an honorable virtue to be loving and generous, especially to those who are closest to you. And I commend you for wanting to help your sister. Psalms 112:5 (MSG) says, “The good person is generous and lends lavishly.” The Bible teaches us to care for and help others. And God expects us to help those who truly are overburdened (widows, orphans, the poor and the disabled).

But the Scriptures don’t instruct us to be enslaved to someone’s felt needs or self-perceived wants or desires. Every one of us is obligated to take care of our own day-to-day responsibilities. Your motivation to reach out and give her job leads was driven by your desire to see her better herself. Unfortunately, there is a fine line between helping someone and enabling them. Continually loaning someone money could in some cases prolong the problem and be wasteful and counterproductive. This type of continued enabling can foster an unhealthy dependency and hurt relationships. It also creates an improper view of God as our provider.

When we turn away from Him as the source of life and provision in our lives, we are left to figure things out for ourselves and we often make poor choices. Jeremiah, the Old Testament prophet, told God’s people: “This is what the Lord says: ‘Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord.” Jeremiah 17:5 (NIV)

We’ve heard a lot about “tough love” for a long time and it’s been misunderstood and misused for just as long. The truth is: Tough love isn’t a formula or quick fix to the problem you are facing. But it’s the right thing to do in some situations and the only healthy choice in close loving relationships. I like to refer to this as “sincere love” rather than tough love. Sincere love always looks out for the other person’s best interest and is willing to tell the hard truth. It’s a carefully thought-through long-term plan that will be beneficial for both sides of the relationship. And even though it’s the right thing to do, it’s never easy. Sincere love doesn’t overlook someone’s behavior but has compassion for another’s brokenness (recognizing that we are all broken). It understands that enabling is not helping. Sincere love calls someone up to higher behavior, to live life wisely understanding that God is the source of everything we need.

I certainly understand your hesitancy in confronting your sister. But given your current circumstances with saving money for a wedding and setting up a new household, it seems you can simply tell her the next time she approaches you for money that you will be unable to help her. Coupled with that is the responsibility that you are committing to your future husband to make mutual decisions regarding financial matters.

Solomon reminds us in Proverbs 3:5-6 (NLT) “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.” I will be praying that the Lord will guide your thoughts and words the next time you talk with your sister about this.

Pastor Randy Foster
randy.clc@att.net