Question: I came home drunk last night from an office party. I know that sounds terribly naïve for a 47-year-old man; however, I was not aware of what I was drinking. I thought it was a punch drink and I couldn’t taste any alcohol. Now my wife and two children, ages 18 and 20, are giving me the silent treatment. Of course I plan to be much more careful in the future. But what can I do right now to redeem myself? I love my family and I’ve never messed up like this before. They won’t listen to my attempting to explain. – Sad Husband and Dad

Dear Husband & Dad:

It sounds that you are very sorry for your recent behavior and that is good. It is important for you to be truly remorseful to begin the process of healing.

Don’t try to justify your actions with your family. Take full responsibility. Because of the tension you refer to, I would suggest you write a letter to each family member apologizing for the incident and that it will never happen again. The letter can be the same to each person or individualized. Just hand each family member your letter and ask him or her to read it when ready.

The other component here is time. If you are truly remorseful tension will begin to subside.

I hope for increasing peace in your home. Thanks for your question.

Pastor Larry Maib

Dear Sad Husband and Father,

There are so many unanswered questions from your letter. Is this a pattern from a previous period in your life? What has made your family turn on you in this way? Have you broken promises in this regard?

In any case there are trust issues apparent even from the sparse detail of your letter.

A simple solution for going forward for you personally is that you don’t drink something until you are sure of the contents. You don’t have to ask if there is alcohol but ask what are the ingredients so you can assess if you are allergic to anything.

For your family, why are they treating you and your “naiveté” with such contempt? Have you lied to them before and so they feel like victims of your manipulation? Or are they looking for ways to put you down in general because of something that has happened in your family life before? Whatever has transpired before has to be addressed.

I recommend straight talk with your family to establish new foundational guidelines that makes every one more comfortable with what is generally going on between family members. Competition for the most righteous must not be permitted. There are no winners and losers. The idea is to find a place of understanding so truth can be the goal. Trying to persuade someone of something you wish was true but is not true is not allowed.

Trust is hard-won, also worth the trouble. 

Rabbi Janet Bieber
jbieber1155@aol.com