Question: I have three younger sisters and I’ve always been the “strong” one in my family, even for my mother and father. Now I am 75 and weary of figuring out life’s challenges for my family. When our parents passed away, I made most of the arrangements. My sisters kept telling me they trusted me to plan the services.

One of my sisters has been diagnosed with cancer. She’s asked me to go with her to her doctor’s appointments and I do. Now she wants me to make surgery arrangements for her – not help her make the arrangements. I think for the first time in my life with my family I drew the line. My sister became upset and angry when I told her the surgery decisions were hers to make, but I’d support her every step of the way and even take care of her post-surgery. She brought up that we were raised and are Christians and Christians are supposed to help one another.

Was I wrong to decline her request? ~ Unsure Sister

Dear Unsure Sister,

In many situations, people want others to organize and take care of all the arrangements. It can be frustrating because it automatically creates the victim/caregiver dynamic. Once established, it becomes an ongoing way of dealing with things, especially in families. As a human being, we need someone to take care of us when we are young. A very big part of growing up is learning how to take care of ourselves. “Take care of yourself first so that then you can help others” is a very true saying. And we learn over time that, although we can’t change others, we can change ourselves. Through this discovery, we realize self-care is even more important. In our lives, we all go through major life-changing events.

A difficult physical challenge is definitely a life-changing event. It is accompanied by fear, strength, sadness, determination and the lurking question about the unknown results. Being human, we find ourselves in these challenging events. Whatever part we play in these situations, remember: God’s presence is in each person on this planet. We are each, always, connected to God.

How wonderful your sister has you to help her! And how wonderful you are now actively practicing self-care. Both things are important. True healing comes from being responsible in our actions. Making appointments, taking our medicines and getting treatments are part of our personal healing and responsibility. These are affirmative actions that state a deep desire to return to perfect health. It is not up to other people, but ourselves, to heal. Taking the personal lead on our own healing helps us heal faster. A good affirmation is: “Yes, God, I am loving and healthy. I am willing to embrace responsibility for all aspects of my healing and my wholeness.” Remind your sister to take a step back and remember God is with her in every moment. Meditations, noticing nature and listening to beautiful calming music will help heal her in all ways. Supporting your sister in this situation is a gift for both of you … a gift you willingly give because you love her. It is important you both practice self-care and boundaries so you can continue to move forward with love.

Love heals. We know God is good. And God is love. God is our source for comfort and holds us up. Through Divine Spirit, we accept all opportunities to practice self-care in all of life’s twists and turns. Working together is a perfect example of God’s goodness and love in our lives.

Michelle Gillette
mgillette24@aol.com

Dear Unsure Sister,

Will you be my sister? I don’t have one. I have three younger brothers. You sound like a great sister! Wow! That said I do have a few comments and, hopefully, a helpful perspective.

First, please remember what God did in your family. He made you the big sister. Every sibling brings something to the family table so to speak. Firstborns often have a special role of leadership. But as strong as you’ve always been and as helpful as you’ve always been you realize, don’t you, that God never made you the mom in your family. God made your mom to be the mom in your family. So all you have to be is a sister. You are not responsible at all for your sisters. You are responsible for yourself, your big sister self.

Second, to me it’s an exciting thing whenever someone gets tired of carrying a load he or she was never meant to carry. Then, out of necessity, he or she sets some healthy boundaries. These boundaries feel like a slap in the face to others in the family because they’re new!

Creating healthy boundaries feels insulting and uncomfortable at first. But good boundaries are vital for good functioning in any family. You’ve seen the light! That’s great!

Third, to the specific example you mentioned, your sister’s surgery: Having your sister make her own surgery decisions is healthy! And it’s very generous and very Christian of you to support your sister post-surgery. I suspect that there are other areas where this sister and your other sisters need to step up and start making their own decisions. It’s a twisted luxury when someone else is responsible for your life. There’s a name for that arrangement – parenthood.

Parents of small children are responsible for everything. But adulthood brings that arrangement to a close. Your sisters may complain and mutter about the new relationship they have with their big sister but that’s healthy too. I recommend “Boundaries” by John Cloud and Henry Townsend. This book should prove helpful on the road to a new relationship with your sisters. And, of course, the best book is the Good Book. God will speak to you through the Bible. I encourage you to stick to your guns. I’d also like to know how all this turns out! Go with God.

Rev. Jon T. Karn
pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org

Question: I’m feeling guilty because of an attitude I can’t shake. I know we’re supposed to love, not hate. I can’t say I really hate anyone, but I do have a problem with several politicians who, in my opinion, are letting their constituency down by thinking only of their respective parties instead of what’s good for our citizens.

I’ve looked up their bios and have found many good qualities these folks have and I try to dwell on those but the frustration keeps coming back. Do you have any suggestions on what I could be doing to rid myself of the judgments I’m experiencing? ~ Love the USA

Dear Love the USA,

I’ll go out on a limb here and suggest that you’re not alone in your quandary. We watch the world change and have trouble believing, not to mention trusting, the people we elect to administer our desires. Sometimes we confuse the individual’s qualities with the office where they sit and then have difficulty reconciling the two. During these times of confusion we begin to wonder if the problem is with the person/people we’ve elected or with us. I believe it’s a little of both.

Let me explain. We listen to the speeches, use due diligence to research and make the best choices possible during the election process. Then we’re challenged when there are changes or things we assume would be handled appropriately but are left unaddressed. We might simultaneously feel that we’ve missed something or that the elected official lied to us. Finally, we’re frustrated, anxious and angry and begin to question the decision-making and election processes in general.

The democratic system is supposed to uphold the people’s wishes, right? Elected officials support the parties’ overviews and ensure their constituents’ voices are heard and adequately implemented. The challenge comes with human nature. Sometimes we make mistakes, misunderstand and underestimate our sway. We’re not privy to what happens “behind closed doors,” which leaves us wondering how powerful our voices are or if they’re even heard.

A passage in Deuteronomy 17 addresses the qualities of a king (or leader in this case). In verses 18-20, we learn that officials should review a copy of laws daily to understand and digest the essence and truth. They are encouraged to carefully follow the regulations and not consider themselves better than others. They must remain focused on the facts and serve well the people.

When a leader ceases to embrace the specifics of their appointment, things can go south quickly. Stuff happens. We’re all human. We read in Esther how things can quickly change with appropriate action. Esther revealed the negative human qualities of Hamon, albeit straight-up narcissism, to the king, who swiftly acted in dynamic ways to correct the disrespectful actions.

We’re human and respond to being let down or feeling deceived by people we’ve chosen to represent us. Therefore, a key component is remembering our collective humanity from a faith-based perspective. This aspect of humanity reminds me of verse 2 of Psalm 36: “For with his flattering opinion of himself, he does not discover and hate his iniquity.” (CSB)

And Luke 6:32: “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them.” (TLV)

We’re counseled to love the sinner and hate the sin. Perhaps the way to refrain from judging is to look inward to discover the salient reasons we’re triggered by the action or lack thereof. And maybe we cut ourselves some slack for being human and judging others, even though we know and believe it’s pointless.

Matthew 7:3 reminds us: “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (ESV)

Please understand: This reference is not an admonishment, merely a reminder of our responsibilities. In addition, we have a voice to speak out when we see iniquity. Joshua 1:9 encourages us to: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (NIV)

We have a right to be miffed about incorrect action or shoddy work. However, we are also responsible for taking appropriate measures to bring attention to the things that necessitate change. Unfortunately, we can get sidetracked in how we accomplish that goal, so let’s pay attention to the feelings that arise. What we do from there says more about us than it does about those creating the problem.

Be well & be blessed!

Dear Love the USA,

You are not alone in your frustration. What you said reminds me of something attributed to former British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill. He was apparently upset with the way things were going in Parliament and he blurted out, “This is the worst kind of government known to mankind … except for all the others that have been tried from time to time!”

Churchill’s point, I believe, is that democracy is messy but there is nothing better! Another thought: The legislative process is a little bit like making sausage; the end result is good, but you wouldn’t want to see how it was made!

In all seriousness, the “American experiment,” as somebody called it, is still an experiment: Can we really govern ourselves? In 1776 we got rid of the Divine Right of Kings concept and replaced it with self-rule … which means that people who are as petty as you and I are running things. You and I are not perfect and neither are the ones for whom we vote. Therefore, it seems to me, sometimes we are forced to choose between the lesser of two evils, not the “best” candidate.

But don’t quit! Don’t throw up your hands in frustration and say, “They’re all bad!” No, they are just like us: sometimes good and generous, and sometimes mean and petty. I agree with you that often politicians seem to be more concerned for their own careers than what is good and right for the people. But we are stuck with democracy, so don’t disengage. If you do disengage then you let the extremists win.

As Ben Franklin was emerging from a meeting, somebody yelled, “What kind of government have you given us?” He yelled back, “A Republic … if you can keep it!” So that’s your job and my job: to keep up the fight to keep our democracy a democracy. And right now in America not all politicians are as concerned as they should be. My advice: vote for those who want to keep our democracy and vote against those who would destroy it.

Sincerely,