QUESTION: After being engaged for a couple of years, my fiancé and I are planning a summer 2021 wedding. From the very beginning, I told him I plan to keep my maiden name and for good reason. I’m a professional. Many printed materials have the name I’ve used for over 12 years and my clients are familiar with that name. Now he is arguing that he wants me to take his name as well and hyphenate the surname.

I’m not comfortable with that to the point of cancelling the wedding until we can come to a better understanding. His request also makes me wonder if this is the beginning of his being controlling in our relationship.

Please help me sort this out because my mind is making up all sorts of things – like am I being too controlling?

~ Flustered Bride-To-Be

Dear Flustered Bride-to-Be,

You have a wonderful opportunity in this moment to practice an essential skill for marriage: open and honest communication. We often think communication will allow us to get to a shared outcome, some way of discovering a novel solution to the problem by making adjustments and compromises. However, I think the better goal of communication is understanding.

I’m curious: If you both agreed that you would not be taking his name, what changed? Is he feeling pressure from friends or family? Digging into the reason for the shift might reveal why these demands seem so important now (and allow you to express your concern about where control rests within your relationship). I sense that you do not want to be controlled nor do you want to be controlling. I think that is a good posture to take. So how do you make your needs known and listen to his needs when they come into conflict?

One approach might be helpful: The taking of a surname is symbolic. The paternalistic origins notwithstanding, a shared name indicates a common cause, a shared commitment to life together. Perhaps there are other symbolic gestures that might support this meaning without taking his name. Wedding rings, unity candles and personalized vows are symbols that work this way. Perhaps you know of creative expressions that make each of you “you” that could be combined.

My encouragement is that you remain together in this dialogue. As you each come to understand why your position is important new options may present themselves. The dynamics in a relationship differ for everyone; finding how it plays out in your relationship takes work. Take time to talk together, explore new ways so that both of your needs and concerns might be met. If you both agree to support one another, I am certain a solution can be found.

Rev. Kyle Sears 

kylesears@lacanadachurch.org    

Dear Flustered Bride-To-Be,

I have been a professional singer since the age of 15 and I began my career using my maiden name. Since that time, I have fallen in, out and back in love. I have married, divorced and married, and I continued to sing through it all. Thirty-plus years ago, I married a man who came from a small town who had a strict, old-fashioned background. I knew that I was expected to take his last name, and I did. After we had children together, I felt that it was actually convenient sharing a last name for the sake of our children’s teachers and our social groups. When that marriage ended 14 years later, I took my own name back and have kept it ever since. It actually amuses my current husband and me when he is called “Mr. Mitchell.”

My husband is proud of my professional accomplishments and also has a great sense of humor. That being said, I am concerned about the apparent lack of understanding and communication between your fiancé and yourself. The fact that he is “arguing” with you about this issue rather than discussing it is worrisome. How will he behave when something truly monumental happens down the road? And, trust me, life challenges will happen.

I am also concerned that your wedding was postponed so easily over this one issue. Perhaps there are other “control” issues that you are experiencing? Wanting to keep your own name after marriage is not a controlling behavior on your part, as you were wondering, so just let that go. I am currently co-teaching an online Zoom class based on the book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. I highly recommend that you both read this short book and discuss it with each other. As a couple, you are not going to agree on everything in life, and it would actually be pretty boring if you did. Finding ways to lovingly, and supportively, work through your personal expectations of each other, and heal past issues, is the key to giving and receiving love and respect, no matter what comes up.

Perhaps there is a compromise for you both? Maybe when you are both interacting with family and close friends, you can be called Mrs. (his last name) and in your professional career interactions you can continue to use your own name? As Shakespeare said, in Romeo and Juliet, “What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” Try your best to find the sweetness between the two of you, and if it is not there, keep looking for someone who is able to enjoy the sweetness of your love, no matter what your name happens to be.

Rev. Karen Mitchell

karen@karenmitchellmusic.com

QUESTION: I finally found the job of my dreams that requires I move to Europe and sign on for three years. I’m 24 years old. My parents are totally against this. I’m well-educated, thanks to my parents, but I don’t like feeling they get to make my decisions for me. Included in the job offer are housing, medical, vacations and sick leave. We vetted the company and know this is a legitimate offer. I would return once a year to the United States for three weeks, which I consider reasonable. My parents can also visit me.

I think this is a good way to launch myself into the business world. Please help me convince them that this is a good move that won’t last forever, I don’t think, although if things work out I could remain for additional years.

Now I don’t know what to do.

~ Undecided Daughter

Dear Undecided,

Please follow your heart. This is such a wonderful opportunity for you. You are 24 and fully capable of making your own decisions. I am a senior citizen now and I regret not taking that opportunity to travel or go abroad for a time. My friends at times reminisce about going to Europe or driving through South American for six months after college. Tell your parents that this opportunity for you is better and safer than taking a year off to travel. You have a salary, housing, medical care, etc. What can be better than that? And you get to come home for three weeks every year! They could even come visit you. One of my best vacations ever was a couple of years ago visiting my son and daughter-in-law in Paris where they were living for awhile. I’ll never forget him meeting us at the train station in Paris as we arrived for the visit!!

My granddaughter took a year off after college and did an internship with her church in Chicago. She really enjoyed that time experiencing new people, places and the winter in the Windy City! She wanted to stay and get a job but couldn’t fine one so she came home and found one.

All is well!

Carolyn Young

cjymesalila@gmail.com

Dear Undecided Daughter,

I’ve been reading and thinking about your letter. I wonder how objective I can be since I have a daughter about your age and in your position. Frankly, I don’t know any parents who would disagree with your parents. This is an incredible risk. Your parents, perhaps especially your dad, have probably already offered up specific, thoughtful objections and asked considerable questions about why this job requires you to leave not just your town but your continent. I know I’d have a long list of negatives for my own daughter.

But you did make a compelling remark. You said your parents don’t have the right to make your decisions for you. That’s true. This is your decision. You get to go. And this is the part of being a parent that is the worst: letting go. We thought it was fine when we were 24. Since that time, the world has not gotten safer.

What kind of timeline do you have to decide? I would suggest to pray and ask God for direction. And pray some more and then fast and pray. Is working remotely out of the question? Are there any former employees you can talk to? If they’re providing housing, what kind of freedom will you have there? How is the Wuhan virus affecting this location? Would you have been offered this job if you were a male? What is the security like where you’ll be living? Will you be speaking English? What is it about three years? Are you free to leave if you want to? Can you resign after year one if you want to? Are you free to resign for any reason? I’m assuming the vetting you did was thorough. It needs to be. If you go, you will never have been more alone. There is excitement in making it on your own and being in a foreign land. But there is good reason for being cautious, especially at 24.

It has been your parents’ job to keep you safe all these years and they’ve succeeded. It is natural for them to do what they’ve always done. I suppose, in all honesty, if it were me in your dad’s place I’d try to figure out a reason why mom and I needed to move to Europe too! I don’t envy your parents. I just hope that there is no stone left unturned in Internet research about this company, your superiors and your co-workers. You want as few surprises as possible. I also suggest that, should you choose to go, you take your parents with you so that together you can all see with your own eyes what you’re getting yourself into.

This all makes me so nervous.

Pastor Jon Karn

pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org