QUESTION: My mother recently passed away, actually very quickly, from a fast-moving cancer. She had taken care of our daughter, Camille, until five months ago when she became ill.

Mom took over taking care of Camille after our maternity leave was up. Both my husband and I work, and Mom was very happy to take care of our little girl, now 6 years old, who knows her “Nana” died. We attend church regularly and Camille goes to Sunday school. We’ve explained that Nana is in heaven watching over us. We’re having a memorial service and my husband thinks our daughter shouldn’t go. I think she should, but I’m not sure.

What do you think?
~ Indecisive Parents

 
Dear Indecisive Parents,
I may not be the best person to ask because I fall under the “better to tell the children than not tell the children” category. Life is challenging, sometimes extremely painful, certainly mysterious, unpredictable and joyful. When life came up and smacked us in the face, I did the best I could at being honest with my children as to what was happening and I allowed them the space and time to talk and process whatever it was they needed to talk about or process. Culturally, we have a very hard time encouraging the processing of strong emotions, grief and loss, and that is to the detriment of our emotional maturity and well being.

I’m not a therapist, but I do read a lot and one of the most important things we can do for our children is to validate their experiences and this is a big experience for your daughter. Certainly not allowing her to attend the memorial may seem like protecting her from the pain and struggle of life, but as vulnerability researcher Brené Brown says, we come into this world wired for struggle. Trying to keep our children perfect and protected doesn’t allow them the dignity of their experience, whether that is emotional loss, physical loss, failure, mistakes or successes. I’m not an advice-giver, I’m an experience sharer but, in this case, I would say allow Camille to go to the memorial. Allow her her own experience of the loss and grief of her grandmother. Talk to her about her experience. She’ll process like a 6-year-old with questions and comments and feelings, and that’s all good. You are giving her the priceless gift of normalizing a part of life that is inevitable, normalizing the scary feelings that go along with losing someone we love, and tools that she will use the rest of her life.
May God’s peace be with you,

Rev. Holly Cardone
hollycardone1@gmail.com

Dear Indecisive Parents,
Losing a “Nana” who was also a caregiver is a significant loss for a 6-year-old and, whatever you decide on this, she will need to work through her grief just as much as you and your husband will.

Now, concerning her attendance at the funeral; there are so many things that I would want to know if I had the chance to discuss this with you. For instance, what are your extended family’s traditions? I have conducted over a thousand funeral services over the past 25 years and I’ve been at services where children of all ages, from infants through late teens, have been present and I’ve been at services where no children younger than 12 or 13 were present. Every family and culture has their own way of involving or not involving children in the funeral service. For the former, the funeral is a family affair and they are very comfortable with the noise and energy that the presence of children bring – and the children are very comfortable being present. If this is your family’s tradition, then there’s probably no reason not to involve your daughter.

If not, then I would also want to know the maturity level of your daughter. Some 6 year olds are very capable of sitting through a service and being somewhat engaged in what’s going on; others do not yet have that level of maturity. Has she attended a worship service in your church? Was she engaged in the service? If so, then she might find the funeral service meaningful to her.

Next question I’d ask is, “Does your daughter want to attend the service?” I think that this is really important. We all grieve differently and that includes our children. Many years ago, my 5-month-old daughter died from “crib death.” We also had a 5-year-old son and a 12-year-old daughter. We decided that my son was too young to attend and understand what was going on. However, we gave our daughter the option as to whether to attend or not. She chose not to and we respected that.

A couple of more thoughts that may be helpful. I would talk to your pastor and to your daughter’s Sunday school teacher. Since they will know you and your daughter, they will probably have some insightful comments that can help you in making this decision. Also, you might consider videotaping the service. If you feel that it would be better for your daughter not to attend, you and she could watch the video later, when you feel she’s ready. Even if she does attend, you still might want to watch the video with her at a later date, when she is better able to understand and appreciate what took place during the service.

Finally, I encourage you to seek God’s wisdom on this. I hope these thoughts will be helpful as you prayerfully work through this decision.
Warmly,

Pastor Bill Flanders
flanders@att.net

QUESTION? When I was a child, we had frequent family gatherings until my dad got into an argument with his sister. She called him a heel and he slapped her. My parents called my sisters and me in from playing with our cousins and we left. We never went to a family gathering again because my father didn’t speak to members of his family, including his mother.

As an adult, I always have regretted those lost years that we were estranged from our father’s family. We weren’t allowed to speak to them, either. Now my family has gatherings and one of our family members is argumentative, especially about politics. My family is split down the middle politically, so I avoid the subject. I don’t want my children and nieces and nephews to experience what I went through.

My question is: Is there a way to be a mediator in these situations? How does one diffuse explosive topics in a family gathering?
~ Peace-loving Gal

 
Dear Peace-loving Gal,
Sadly, yours is not an isolated situation among families. We often find ourselves with dissimilarities when it comes to topics such as politics, childrearing and faith. These differences may be attributed to human nature and the desire to be independent. The reasons may also be related to our individual journeys and processes. I’m not sure what your aunt may have said to elicit such an extreme response from your father. It was, however, enough to convince him, right or wrong, to cut ties, and that’s an unfortunate consequence.

As for the relationships between your children and their cousins and other family members, I believe the most important element is to model appropriate behavior that mirrors your personal philosophies and practices. For example, if you desire to be inclusive and tolerant, then your actions will display the integrity and thoughtfulness with which you engage others, friends and family alike.

Scripture teaches in James Chapter 3 about the perils of an untamed tongue and how confusion can prevail when we’re not careful. He then continues with an encouragement to avoid envy and strife by accessing pure wisdom, a calm attitude, a gentleness that is flexible and willing to acquiesce, extend mercy, and all without prejudice or duplicity. James used the term “righteousness.”

Being a mediator requires the self-assurance to be present during a discussion, facilitating an open dialog without judgment or criticism. The discipline requires an ability to remain objective, allowing others to voice their opinions with grace, even when your personal biases are in direct opposition to what’s being shared. Essentially, your role is to provide safety and to mitigate any emotional extremes that would thwart the progress of open sharing and constructive dialog, continually identifying the need to uphold an atmosphere of open-mindedness and acceptance. Sometimes we refer to the process as agreeing to disagree.

Assuming the role of mediator in a family may be a daunting task, but the rewards of modeling behavior that encourages tolerance will, ultimately, provide hope and instill goodwill within your family. I wish you success in providing safety from which your family can heal from the past and move into a future that minimizes strife in favor of inclusion.
Blessings!

Chaplain Lucinda Guarino
lguarino@ymcafoothills.org

Dear Peace-loving Gal,
I can imagine there are many people asking the same question as you are during at this time in history. My own family has a wide variety of opinions and political stances, and it is not always easy to navigate through those discussions. These disagreements and arguments are as old as the Bible; brother against brother, deception, chaos and mayhem are a part of the biblical narrative. And they are part of our family, community, national and world narrative still today.

I first think it is important to be at peace with one self, and discerning how God calls us to live in the world. We just studied the Beatitudes from Matthew in church and Matthew 5:9 states, “Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God.”

Being a peacemaker is not easy work, and it is not the norm in human behavior. Sometimes those who have very strong opinions have no desire to see the other side of things from another perspective. And then there are those who just give in to keep the peace. The fact that your father had one encounter with his sister that caused him to make a very radical decision for your family, never again to interact with the extended family, does not help to give you a healthy model for resolving conflict. This “all or nothing” stance is polarizing and does so much harm.

A few practical suggestions for you as you plow forward in this minefield of human interaction: First, be clear in your own heart and soul what your part in all of this is. You cannot control others, but you can decide how you will act and how God is guiding you to act. Be at peace if people do not honor this in you, and attempt to sway you to their side – “Either you are my side or you are against me” sort of statements are a clue to that sort of recruiting to their side.

Second, see if you can find ways to model how a discussion might evolve when two sides disagree. Choosing something that is not such an emotional topic will help, but see if you can have a conversation and conclude with something like, “We can agree to disagree,” or “I respect your position, I respect you, and so we can still interact knowing we disagree.” Putting one another down, gossiping, making fun of others are things to avoid.

Truly honor one another, build on what you do agree about. Politically you both may have a concern for everyone to have health care, for example, but disagree about how that is to be legislated. Find what you can agree on and build on that.

Third, see if there are others who want to be able to get together and are willing to be your allies in helping the people get along. I know there was one family who had a person in their family who always liked to stir up trouble whenever they got together. This family eventually listened to this person in a way that was respectful. And they began to find out what was behind the troublemaking, a desire to have people pay attention to them, a need that was met in more positive ways.

Lastly, if you can find a way of praying together when you have a gathering, the prayer can set the tone for the gathering. You could also pray before you attend and be open to how God may be using you in this situation.

There is only so much you can do; it is up to the other adults in the room to be adults, for them to decide not be disrespectful of one another. They make the choices that lead to peace or conflict.

I pray that you will find a way forward and to be at peace.
Blessings,

Pastor Steve Marshall
planetarypilgrim@gmail.com