QUESTION: I have a good friend who I’ve known since childhood. She was slender as a teen and as she grew older (we’re now in our 50s) she gained lots of weight. Along with the weight came serious health problems and she does nothing to get her weight down. She doesn’t exercise either.

This may sound like criticism but it’s really concern because I care for her. She’s like a sister to me. When I began to gain weight, I began an exercise regimen that I’ve done several times a week for over 30 years and I maintain the weight I had in my 20s. This is not something I brag about. I’ve done it for my own wellbeing.

I’ve invited her to come along with me to the gym, but she won’t. She often jokingly says she needs to get serious about losing weight, and when she does I’m at a loss of what to say because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. What can I do or say to help my friend?
~ Best Friends Forever



Dear Best Friends Forever,
Herein lies one of the most difficult situations to accept: We cannot make anyone do anything. I listen to patients weekly [who are] worried about spouses, children, parents and friends. The bottom line is you can suggest things but, in reality, you cannot even “lead a horse to water” when it comes to other people, let alone make them drink. I believe the best you can do is talk about your health regimen and express how much better and happier you feel. Then seemingly off the cuff, ask her if she’d like to join you. But remember: If she refuses, you have to leave it at that. I have two people in my life right now who I am trying to encourage to exercise as they have expressed the desire to me. One I keep inviting with my invitation being turned down; the other is my mother who I have more pull with. With my mom, I am going to try stretch and gentle yoga classes with her and then sign her up when we find one she likes.

Other than that, you can pray and keep inviting. But we simply cannot make another person “want” to do anything, let alone actually do it. This is one of the most frustrating things we can go through with people we love. Think of the family member who has a drinking problem and is asked numerous times to stop drinking. It will never happen until that person feels they need to and actually do take the step.

Support and prayer are the best you can do. She is blessed to have you as a friend.

The Reverend
Kimberlie Zakarian

kimberlie.zakarian@gmail


Dear Best Friends Forever,
First of all, let me encourage you for being a real friend who wants to help. The great Christian missionary Paul wrote that Christians should speak “the truth in love” to each other (Ephesians 4:15). This is the consistent teaching of Christian writings. This means having a direct and clear conversation while communicating love and a desire to help. It seems to me that you already know that, but I can understand why you would be afraid to risk damaging your friendship.

Let me give you some suggestions that might help the conversation go as well as possible. You want to find out how she really feels about her weight. Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” I have often found the best way to do that is through sensitively worded questions where you listen closely to the response. Some examples might be: How do you feel about your health and your weight? Is that something that is important to you? How could I help you in this area of your life?

The answer to those questions will let you know what to do next. She may feel there is not a significant problem, she may feel hopeless, or she may be unmotivated to change. As you probably know, people who over eat are frequently not just undisciplined, but they are trying to find comfort from emotional pain in their life. Often professional counseling will help them figure that out.

Whatever her response, the most important thing is to make sure she knows you love her, you want to help, and you are going to be there for her no matter what.

I will pray for your conversation with her. Please let me know if there is any more help I can give you in this situation.

Reese Neylan
r.neyland@live.com
QUESTION: Among my acquaintances is an individual who is a hypochondriac. I was recently at a gathering and she cornered me into a conversation. When I tried to change the subject, she would eventually bring the conversation right back to her aches and pains. Although I tired of her “organ recital,” I was civil and patient, even though I really was frustrated! This went on for a good half hour.

I didn’t want to leave the gathering early but I just couldn’t take it anymore so I told a white lie that I had someplace else I had to be and left after my apologies to the organizers.

How does one disengage from conversations like these? I left feeling helpless and ineffective in not knowing what to do.
~ Reluctant Sounding Board
Dear Reluctant Sounding Board,
Public gatherings can be very challenging, particularly when you become a random listening ear for someone who needs attention. I can only imagine your frustration at being engaged in a conversation that seemed to be a continuing litany of aches and pains, as well as the ensuing feelings of helplessness. I applaud you for delicately handling the situation in an effort to spare your acquaintance’s feelings. The truth is often people who lack the skills to remain appropriate in social settings are unable to pick up on the subtle cues we extend. Individuals without the social capacity to know when they’re becoming inappropriate will tend to circle the conversation back to themself in an unconscious effort to be heard and validated.

In the future, when you’re listening to her or someone else try to actively validate the feelings being revealed and not necessarily the list that’s being shared. In this way, the storyteller has an opportunity to connect with that fact that you’re listening and engaging in the elements that are deemed important without having to relive the details. When you feel your frustration rising, the most effective approach to disengage would be a direct response. Perhaps you might allow a predetermined amount of time for the discourse, say 10 minutes, and then thank her/him for considering you a safe harbor regarding the intimate details of her/his life.

Afterward, you might excuse yourself with a statement that reveals your desire to make additional necessary and important contacts at the gathering. In this way you honor the speaker and position yourself to remain at the gathering. Should the individual attempt to corner you again, you might gently remind her/him that you are there for the networking opportunity and, whereas you’d like to spend more time with her/him, you have to effectively manage your limited amount of time.

These are indeed delicate situations. It is important, however, to remain true to your character and values in extending compassion and kindness. 1 Peter 3:7 reminds us, “Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous…” Gentle but firm responses assist the hearer and the storyteller to respect each other’s time while extending compassionate understanding.

Lucinda Guarino
lguarino@ymcafoothills.org
Dear Reluctant Sounding Board,
I can really relate to your situation. For years I shared an office with an extreme extrovert. He didn’t know how to shut up! I tried every subtle way of turning him off, none of which worked, then I tried several non-subtle ways. Finally I realized that direct communication was the best way to handle this. I said, “Mike, I’m not able to talk to you now. I have work to do.”

He nodded and was quiet for about three minutes. When he started speaking again, I repeated the same thing and didn’t engage him. Persistence paid off, and finally he picked up on the times when I was willing to speak. The thing is, he was a nice guy and during lunch it was good to talk to him. He just needed to be aware of what my needs were.

I’ve had a little experience with people who have mental challenges, specifically kids with autism, and I’ve come to learn that not everyone communicates the same way. What may seem an obvious, although subtle, transition to another topic or wanting to end a conversation might not be understood. You think you’re being clear, but your acquaintance doesn’t pick up on it. Try increasingly more direct ways of telling him or her your needs.

Assertiveness training might be something to consider. There are groups that you might like, or you can try to pick up a book or two on the subject. Being assertive doesn’t mean being rude; it’s about telling people what you want or need. In the situation you described, what about having said something like, “I’ve enjoyed talking to you and I hope you feel better soon. There are some other people here who I’ve been meaning to talk to before I have to leave, so please excuse me.”

Walk away and find someone quickly to chat with.

Often we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, and that’s understandable. At the same time, though, you owe it to yourself to make clear what your needs are. If that entails being more direct than you normally would be, so be it. Just remember that the other person just might not understand or have challenges in social situations. Responding in a clear and unambiguous way could really help them in the long run.

Blessings to you and thanks for your caring.

Kirby Smith
Kirby@stlukeslacrescenta.org