QUESTION: Is it possible for one person help another person to forgive? I have a dear friend who tells me she knows she should forgive a certain person but just doesn’t do it. She speaks of him in disgust, which makes me sad. All the guy wants is her approval and she won’t give it. I’ve told her that forgiveness is not just for the other person; it’s for her as well.

Somehow I’m not getting through to her. She’s depressed and miserable a lot of the time.
~ Bewildered Friend

 
Dear Bewildered Friend,
First of all, I commend you for being a good friend and caring enough to reach out to help her. It is so heartbreaking when we have friends who haven’t been able to get beyond unforgiveness and don’t seem to even want help. And it’s equally hard to see the effect it has on their lives and relationships. You are right in telling her that forgiveness is not just for the other person but for her as well.

Someone once said, “Unforgiveness is like taking poison but expecting someone else to die.” Jesus taught his followers to pray, “and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.” And then he went on to say, “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:12, 14-15).

The only people who can afford to not forgive others are those who will never need forgiveness themselves.
When we choose to not forgive others who have wronged us, we give up our own personal freedom. Someone other than you is running your life and your thoughts are consumed by what that person did or said, why it was wrong, and how it makes you feel. As you’ve seen in your friend’s life, unforgiveness robs us of our joy and peace and leads to bitterness and depression.

The Apostle Paul reminds us to “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).

Forgiveness is not a feeling – it’s a decision we make because we want to do what’s right before God. It’s an important decision that won’t be easy and it takes time to go through the process, depending on the severity of the offense. The first step to forgiveness, though, is having the desire to do it, no matter how you feel toward the person who hurt you. This is the challenge you face in trying to help your friend. She has to come to that place where she wants to forgive. Hopefully you can help her realize the damaging effect it’s having on her and the importance of making the decision to help herself get better, not bitter.

The second step is to make a firm decision to forgive – one that won’t change when her feelings change. Let her know that you will lovingly walk with her through this process and that she can rely on you to be there for her when she struggles. Remember, too, just deciding to forgive isn’t enough because willpower alone won’t work – we also need God’s help. Pray for her and with her that God will give her the courage and strength to forgive this person in the same way that she has been forgiven by God and others for things that she has said and done. Everyone should have a loving, caring friend like you!

Pastor Randy Foster
randy.clc@att.net

Dear Bewildered Friend,
There is a big difference between forgiveness and forgetting and condoning behavior. Often individuals get the two confused.

Forgiveness is an obedient act unto God that is for our welfare. You see, unforgiveness keeps us in a prison; however, we often think it keeps the perpetrator in prison. When we forgive, we are set free from bitterness and we are able to move on. When we hold onto unforgiveness, the bitterness eats away at our happiness.

When we forgive and tell someone we forgive them, it does not mean we have to interact with them nor forget what they did. This is in no way “approval” as you wrote. The one who is asking for forgiveness may not be worthy of approval. Forgiveness signifies that we no longer hold their behavior over their heads and we set them and ourselves free from the penalty of sin. It does not mean we accept or forget, or that they will be a part of our lives.

I had two very wrong things done to me as a young woman. One was an violent attack. Self-explanatory on the wrongdoing scale. The other was just narcissistic and mean and a pattern of personality. I was deeply traumatized by one and wounded by the other. I happened to be in seminary at the time and renting a room from a couple where the wife became my best friend and spiritual prayer partner. One Sunday morning, with blankets on our laps, and the fireplace lit, we discussed forgiveness.

I shared with my friend that I was studying Ephesians in seminary. Chapter 4:31-32 states the following: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.”

Understand I deeply studied the original language, context of the book and chapter it was written in, the time period it was written, and the culture (this is the practice of exegesis). Forgiveness does not mean we forget, condone, approve, nor bring this person back into your life. It means to set a person free and forgive the other person’s debt so bitterness does not set into our hearts and emotionally destroy us. The trespass was not forgotten nor condoned.

That day my friend and I prayed together. I confessed my unforgivness, asked for forgivenesss from God, and I truly sensed a freedom after that prayer. Neither of those people were allowed back into my life because of the danger of one and toxicity of the other. However, often it is a loved one who is a good person who has hurt or angered us. This is when we forgive, repair and bring them back into our lives holding them dear again.

This experience was so powerful for me that I wrote an article which was published in several magazines at the time. I created forgiveness conferences that I held locally, and I did online interviews with questions and answers on forgiveness all over the United States. My forgiveness and lesson led many others to experience this freedom and I was blessed by the volume of letters and testimonies I received. This is how powerful forgiveness is to the one who has been wounded. It heals us.

Feel free to share this Scripture, story, and lesson with your friend in a gentle, non shaming way. We never want to rewound someone by showing them toxic faith, meaning we appear judgmental and do not seem to “get” the other person’s woundedness.

Forgiveness is for your friend. When one forgives, the prison will open its doors and they will be released into experiencing freedom – and true joy.

The Rev. Kimberlie Zakarian, LMFT
Kimberlie.zakarian@gmail.com

 
QUESTION: I was dining alone in a local restaurant and an acquaintance came in. She’s not a friend, just someone I know from groups I attend. We do not get together socially. She asked if she could join me. Although I would rather have been alone with my thoughts, and enjoying my meal, I didn’t want to be rude, so I told her that would be fine.

She began talking, and talking and talking, often about things I couldn’t care less about or about people I didn’t know. If I tried to get a word in edgewise, she was so busy thinking about the next thing she was going to say that she didn’t respond to my attempted comments.

When we finished eating and were leaving, she said, “So nice to have a conversation with you.” I felt like saying, “So nice to have to listen to you,” but I didn’t.

Would you say something about conversational skills and manners? After talking to other friends about this incident, I realized I’m not the only one who has had this experience.
~ Reluctant Listener

 
Dear Reluctant Listener,
Wouldn’t it be something if I had been seated nearby and heard and saw what you were going through? Because I just may have been there! I see this often. I’m always struck by how “un-self-aware” dining companions can be. Your friends are right.

But here’s my question. If the Crescenta Valley Weekly ran a series on conversational skills and manners, do you think those who desperately need to take it to heart would? I doubt it. Don’t you? They might even applaud it because they think you need it! This is just a knotty problem.

In truth, this problem is dealt with by Jesus in broad terms. Consider the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The problem is – and you probably suspect what I do – big mouth lunch companions are often oblivious to their own boorish behavior. And this is where it gets interesting. If people thought you behaved this way, would you want them to tell you? Ponder this for a moment. If you had this problem, you’d be horrified and I think you’d want someone to tell you immediately.

Here’s the hard part. Your impolite motor mouth friend (sorry, acquaintance) will never know unless you tell her. And this is very difficult, I admit. You know, there’s a reason she was dining alone. Sometimes people just want to be listened to and have cycled through everyone who will endure their poor behavior. They’re too self-absorbed to care about your thoughts, feelings, opinions and wishes. They just want to talk. And you were caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. I hate this. It sounds like you do, too.

From now on, you’ll steer clear. But if something like this happens again, it might be wise to have a few strategies in the gentle art of verbal self-defense. If you see yourself caught in this awkward situation again, you do have some options. You’re not defenseless. It just takes some social courage.

I think you’ll have to interrupt. Maybe you could try interjecting with one of these: “You know, I don’t know any of these people you’re talking about. Why not tell me about yourself instead?” “That reminds me of a funny story somebody told me about you a long time ago. I hope I can remember. Would you like to hear it?”
“Do you have any idea how many calories are in what you just ordered?” “I’m sorry. What did you say? I’m losing interest.” And if you really want to eat alone, here’s one that works great! “You know, I just happen to have a Bible here with me. This is perfect timing! I’ve got some Bible questions I’d like to discuss with you. Where shall we start? In the Old Testament or the New Testament?”

Bon appetit! 

Rev. Jon T. Karn

pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org

 
Dear Reluctant Listener,
It can be difficult to spend time with people who don’t seem to have any regard for us or what we have to say, whether a friend or an acquaintance. You have stated right from the beginning that this person is not a friend or even someone you are socially involved with. Since this does not appear to be a relationship you care to develop, why would you feel it necessary to point out how you think she should be conducting herself? Are you trying to be helpful thinking she is unaware of how she is behaving and that if she knew the impact she has on others she would stop?

It is not our responsibility to make people aware of what we perceive as their shortcomings. If she were a friend, then by all means say plainly that you want your conversations to be an exchange of ideas and you’d like the same courtesy shown to you when you speak as is shown to her. You would be letting her know how you want to be treated. She can either honor that or not, but the issue would be out in the open. That is mutual respect.

The simple fact is we cannot change others but we can change the way we respond to them. How you act with this acquaintance will depend on how close you want your relationship to be.

In the meantime, continue to respond with patience and kindness knowing that the thoughts you focus on keep your well-being intact. No one can diminish your sense of happiness unless you let them.

Keep the high watch.
In Light,

Rev. Mary Morgan
mormaari@aol.com