Question: This may seem like small potatoes, but it has created a major upheaval in our home. We have two children – Jimmy, age 11, and Kristin, age 8. Three years ago we rescued a dog we named Moe. The intention was for Moe to be a family dog but shortly after bringing him home, he attached himself to Jimmy and is now “Jimmy’s dog.” Kristin now wants her own dog. She tells us she’ll take care of her dog, feeding it and walking it. It just seems one more dog would create more work for everyone since we both work.

Kristin said all she wants for Christmas is her own dog. We welcome your suggestions. – Perplexed Parents

Dear Perplexed Parents,

Perhaps I should not comment because my wife and I have dogs and so we have a soft spot in our hearts for canines. Also we have no young people running around, so it is we and we alone who care for Blanche and Timothy! (Both are rescues). We named Blanche since we didn’t know her original name, but Timothy arrived already with his moniker!

My advice: Get your daughter a dog for Christmas. You parents may end up caring for the new family member but get her the dog and not much else (her request!) for Christmas! I recall that as a child with three younger brothers, I had a wonderful dog, Blackie. (Guess what color she was!) My dad said on more than one occasion that since he fed her, she was his dog, even if we kids always called her “our” dog. When we had to put Blackie down at age 14, my mom wept the most and Blackie caused her the most work because she would shed that black fur all the time.

But back to you … Get her a dog. Let her learn how much trouble it is to love and care for a pet. And let her also learn that our animal friends don’t live as long as we do. Our dog Timothy came from the Pasadena Humane Society. Why not stop by there with your daughter and save a dog’s life as well as your daughter’s?

For the animals,

Dear Perplexed Parents~

I feel your pain! Having raised two daughters as a single mom, I know the challenges when one child feels the other has favor in some way. I can’t tell you how often I heard, “It’s not fair!” or “She always gets what she wants, and I never get anything!” It makes me a little queasy in my stomach just thinking about it.

We do our best to keep a balance of equity between our children. Your intentions were right with the initial rescue; however, it seems the dog had other ideas. Consequently, the scale tilted in favor of your son. It’s no one’s fault, which makes the situation even more tenuous. Jimmy’s happy and so is Moe. Sadly, Kristin feels slighted, which is unfortunate for her. It’s a difficult lesson for an 8-year-old, but it’s a wonderful learning opportunity for you as a family.

Consider reviewing your family ground rules and exploring virtues to add to the list. Virtues are linked with moral behavior and are essential to growing children and their experiences. Colossians 3:12-15 shares about the character of man: “Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long suffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.”

Your particular situation involves mercy, kindness, humility and long suffering. Of course, for Kristin, it is an issue of justice, but when you look at the circumstances the others mentioned are closer to the issue’s root.

Mercy happened when your family rescued Moe. You all had a part in it and had every reason to believe the entire family would benefit from the addition. Kindness involved selecting one animal, knowing the rigors of your schedules, and the ability to provide adequate attention to both children and pets. This virtue is also why there are better choices than an additional dog at this time.

Long suffering is the virtue Kristin will learn as you hold fast to your decision not to get another animal. Unfortunately, it will be difficult for her to understand as she’s a long way away from cognitive development that will enable her to appreciate abstract thinking. You, however, can help her by understanding her sadness and modeling empathy for a situation over which she has no control.

Circling back to bearing with one another and forgiving one another, as parents, you can help your daughter believe that one day she’ll have her own pets. Love comes into play as you assist both children in finding ways to be included in Moe’s care. For example, Jimmy could ask for Kristin’s help feeding, grooming and walking Moe. Sharing care and responsibilities will also teach them the fine art of cooperation and enjoying peace.

In the end, you’ll want to consider that tough love is not a negative response to children’s requests. I wish it weren’t so but helping her understand life isn’t always the way she’d like it will add depth and character. The exercise will help her manage her expectations and recognize that sometimes we don’t get what we want – something that we battle daily as adults, particularly in an overly entitled society.

The bottom line, as I see it, rests in our responsibility to grow and nurture the character of our children, which far outweighs our need to be liked by them. Sometimes the lessons are challenging. Often, we displease them with an unpopular outcome. But, when faced with a decision about shaping their characters, we are wise to lean on lovingly disciplining and guiding them to a new perspective.

The situation really isn’t small potatoes, as you can see. As parents, we are responsible for raising our children well and with ethical and moral compasses. We may not win the Favored Parent Award. Still, in the end, we will be instrumental in creating one more exceptional human to help move society into a more inclusive and understanding world.

Be Well & Be Blessed!

Question: What does one do when so many negative things happen all at once? I’m an 83-year-old widow whose husband died from COVID two years ago. My grandson lost his life in a military exercise gone wrong and I’ve just been diagnosed with breast cancer. On the blessing side, we raised two sons – both successful and we have four healthy grandchildren. Still, I feel depleted. I know as Christians we’re not supposed to feel that way but I do, even though I know the Lord will help carry my family an me through these trying times. Is there anything I/we can do to get out of the doldrums? ­– Down in the Dumps

Dear Down in the Dumps,

First I want to say, well done! You express so much gratitude for the things in your life that have turned out well. Your care as a person, and as a parent, has obviously been a huge influence on your growing family. You are a perfect example of God’s love in action.

It is difficult to lose people we love. We know that although their physical form has changed, the love we share together is always and forever present. But not having them with us, especially during the Thanksgiving/ Christmas season is hard. Our hearts hurt when we can’t physically share the season with all our loved ones. When we have deep sadness and sorrow in our lives, it often shows up in a physical way. We are all human with human frailties. Turn to God. God’s love is healing. God is our foundation of ever-present love, strength and health.

Twenty years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. When my doctor told me I had breast cancer, I said, “This is a blessing in disguise.” When I hung up the phone, I wondered who said that. Then I realized, it was God’s voice. I started on a healing spiritual journey, which continues to this day. I consulted ministers, healers and read inspiring books. I developed a sacred time for myself each day. Each morning, I get up before the light comes up and sit in silence. Looking out my window, I notice the sky, the beautiful nature outside and hear the birds’ songs proclaiming the beginning of a new day. I count my blessings and consciously step away from anything that creates anxiety. I meditate for peace within me, and pray thanking God’s presence in my life. Knowing I am on God’s path, as the light of each new day comes up, my life is renewed.

I have found in my life that people use the term “closure” for events that have brought sadness and sorrow into our lives. Once there is closure, we are supposed to move forward. This is unnecessary pressure and expectation. We all go through things in our own time. We need to be gentle with ourselves. We need to love ourselves. We need to feel God’s loving presence. Instead of giving myself a timeline, I created a well of sorrows in my heart. My well is quiet and still. It is made of red brick and covered in moss. The water is gentle and soothing. It is enclosed in a room that has a door at each end. Each day, I walk through the room. Some days I need to kneel down and let my tears flow. Other days, I walk through the room, acknowledge and honor my sorrows, and keep walking. The doors are always open.

Feeling sadness is normal. But, knowing I don’t have to hold my sorrows so tightly gives me breathing room. God’s love is our foundation. When the time is right, we get up off our knees. We allow ourselves to look around and notice all the wonderful things God has created. Big or small, it’s one thing at a time. We each have our own path that returns us to perfect health. Let go and let God help you find yours.

God reminds me that my heart is open enough to accept love from many sources. It appears in many different ways. Our love extends to family, friends, people we don’t know, animals, nature and ourselves. Especially ourselves. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You have brought so much kindness and good into our world. See how it is manifesting in your grandchildren and enjoy knowing how your love has created and joined many people together. We give and we receive. The doldrums can always be lessened by giving something to someone you don’t even know or to someone who doesn’t have much love in their life. Giving love is taking the words of Jesus and sharing his lesson of love with the world. Helping someone to feel love will bring happiness to your heart.

Dear Down in the Dumps,

I’m so sorry things are so hard right now. The God you know on the blessing side still walks with you on the depressing side. So let me ask you a difficult question: Which matters more to God: how you feel right now or whom you ultimately put your faith in?

You get to feel how you feel. Jesus himself was called “a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.” It is not a spiritual failure to be sad. God has broad shoulders and welcomes our lament. It is an encouraging sign that you yourself have said: “I know the Lord will help carry my family and me through these trying times.” He will indeed. The good Shepherd of Psalm 23 says he will comfort you.

I have some practical suggestions. Certainly grief counseling is a wise idea since you are facing serious and difficult life issues. I would spend plenty of time with your family for encouragement. And I always recommend the best book in print on the subject of suffering – “If God Is Good” by Randy Alcorn. Aside from these, here is a 10-point list of suggestions for coping with these trying times God has allowed into your life:

1. Make a list of five-10 things you’re thankful for every day.
2. Memorize an encouraging verse and repeat it multiple times a day. (1 Peter 5:7 for example.)
3. Pray with someone you’re close to about your life and problems every day.
4. Go to church every week.
5. Find someone else who’s going through hardship and pray for them.
6. Read daily through the Psalms.
7. Spend time with friends.
8. Have your family pray for you.
9. Make a list of hard things in your past that God has helped you to overcome.
10. Make a list of your favorite memories and put it on your refrigerator where you can see it often.

May the God who has always loved you in the sunshine now show you his love in the storm.

Pastor Jon T. Karn
PastorJon@lightonthecorner.org