QUESTION: I’m a retired scientist and have a group of friends who are also scientists. Four years ago, we started a discussion group for the purpose of learning about current scientific discoveries. We met once a week and then, about two years ago, a man joined our group and began dominating the discussions. One by one, individuals began dropping out until the only ones coming were the domineering guy and me, so I closed down the group.

Now I’m getting requests to restart the group without letting the domineering person know. Somehow he found out. We don’t want him to attend, but what do I/we say? I don’t think telling him he can’t dominate the discussions would work.

~ In A Quandary

Dear In A Quandary ~

Thank you for your sensitive approach to this dilemma. Many would merely dismiss the attendee and not give him or the situation another thought. It’s challenging to maintain group cohesion when you have a member who chooses to dominate discussions. If you’ve tried establishing boundaries in the past to no avail, it seems unlikely that his person would be willing to abide by any group rules of engagement.

It appears that you do have two choices. You may consider inviting the man to attend with certain stipulations and making it clear to him that. if he isn’t compliant, he will be asked to leave the group permanently. This course of action represents establishing boundaries in their purest forms by giving the person an opportunity to correct his or her behavior. There are several reflections in Scripture to support receiving correction: “My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor detest His correction…” (Proverbs 3:11)
“He who keeps instruction is in the way of life, but he who refuses correction goes astray.” (Proverbs 10:17)
“Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is foolish.” (Proverbs 12:1)

The alternative would be reminiscent of “tough love” and might be more difficult to implement but supports a foundation of group trust. Tough love represents action taken that might be difficult to execute at the time but helps another in the long run. If the group feels this person has been offered opportunities to self-reflect and change his mannerisms without success, releasing him to fulfill an alternative purpose and destiny may be the most beneficial for all involved, including the person creating the problem for the group. It’s not always easy but may represent the more virtuous action, even though it might feel unkind in the moment.

Whatever your decision, if it’s coming from a place of presence and honor and is in the best interests of all concerned, you’ve done your due diligence in looking out for the greater good.
I wish you success and peace in the process!
Be well and be blessed!

Lucinda Guarino

lguarino@ymcafoothills.org

Dear In A Quandary,

It is often difficult to gather people together who have similar interests and are trying to continue learning when one of the group is not interested in working collaboratively but rather is intent on garnering the attention of others. Most learn to play and live together at an early age, understanding that we are to share the “spotlight” and not create a world that centers around our life and knowledge.

Scripture again and again invites us to look to care for others as one of the greatest callings of our lives. In the Gospel of John (chapter 15, verse 13), Jesus says, “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Often this is taken in a way that makes us think that we should let people walk all over us because by letting others do whatever they want we are showing love and compassion. But earlier in this chapter Jesus speaks about abiding in the true vine, about living together in a relationship that fosters growth for all concerned, and if part of that vine starts “living for itself” it becomes necessary to cut that part off.

One of the hardest things we sometimes have to do is say “no” to people and exclude them. We may feel like we are being mean, or unwelcome, but the reality is that there are times when the best choice we can make is to draw a line and say that someone is not welcome in the group. Your letter has already given you evidence of what will probably happen if the group is gathered together again in the same way. You could experiment and invite him with the parameters of him not domineering the conversation and see what the results would be. Or you could exclude him for a time and see if he is able to learn and change his approach to the group, and then invite him back in.

I invite you to look to the health and welcome of the whole group first, and, if that requires a member being left out, then you prune that branch for the health of the vine. Who knows? Maybe the person will start a group of his own. Two groups of scientists who continue to learn and gather together for support and conversation are an even better outcome for the health of the community and world!

Pruning for the health of the whole,

Pastor Scott Peterson

pastor@lcifoothills.org

QUESTION: We have two adult children, a girl (age 31) and a boy (age 33), who have not gotten along since they were very young. We’ve done everything we can to treat them fairly and equally hoping that would ease the problem, but it hasn’t. We took them to church every Sunday until they graduated from high school and left for college. For years, we’ve had them and their families over separately for the holidays because when they’re together they just won’t be nice to each other and that creates chaos for everyone, even our grandchildren.

Our questions are: Does sibling rivalry ever end? Did we do anything wrong? We’ve been to counselors individually and as a family and that hasn’t helped either. What makes individuals hang on to anger and hate? We haven’t a clue but perhaps you do.

~ Troubled Parents

Dear Troubled Parents,

In an article in Psychology Today by Jane Mersky Lede, published in 1992 but last reviewed in 2016, Judy Dunn, Ph.D, professor of human development at Penn State, states, “We don’t choose our siblings. There are personality differences that can be very striking and, if you’re stuck growing up with someone day-in and day-out who grates and irritates and provokes, then it seems very understandable that, even without the huge importance of competition for parental love and attention, some siblings don’t get on well.”

And then there are the experts who say sibling rivalry is a result of family dysfunction, the children acting out as a result of “a disturbing family situation (Lede, 1993, 2016). At this point, your children are adults and it seems to me it is up to them to heal their relationship if the relationship can be healed. All you can do is love them both, set boundaries that you can tolerate if and when you are all together, and continue to pray for God’s grace and healing to be on your children.

Blessing be upon you and your family this holiday season.

Peace,

Rev. Holly

hollycardone1@gmail.com

Dear Troubled Parents,

There are several questions in your inquiry that are common to many of us struggling within the world. Sometimes we want relationships to be a certain way and when they are not we look for explanations and causes. First, let me say that from what you have told me you have done a lot of things right. You have treated your children well and have looked to counselors for help and support. You have nurtured their faith by attending church. But even with all this you see your children in conflict with one another.

Sibling rivalry is a powerful dynamic in families and can lead to a lifelong battle. Sometimes this rivalry is fueled by personalities that cause the friction to remain, and sometimes there is growth as the siblings mature. Maybe there are some experiences they had as children that caused this rivalry even to this day that were never resolved. Counseling can help in resolving anger, but if they are not willing to let go of their anger then no one can wrestle it from them.

You ask about holding onto anger, which is a complicated issue. There are many causes of someone being angry; unresolved issues from the past, depression and sadness can be exhibited as anger, dysfunctional thinking, and how one interprets the experiences of life are some examples of what makes people angry. It takes someone willing to dig into self-discovery to find ways of healing the anger; no one can do it for them.

Jesus teaches to love one another and it is upsetting when we observe those who do quite the opposite. All we can do is pour our love out on those we love and continue to model what love looks like. You have done your best, and your children are now adults, and need to find their way. Continue to love your grandchildren and teach them how to love, and how you all can be a family that supports one another, even when there is conflict. And continue to practice the love of God, who is the source of all hope and love. You will receive guidance of from the Holy Spirit to help your faith as you move forward into the unknown future.

Blessings,

Rev. Steve Marshall

planetarypilgrim@gmail.com