QUESTION: I’m caught, as my mother used to say, “between the devil and the deep blue sea.” My daughter has been dating a man for two-and-a-half years. Things have happened throughout that time to give her second thoughts about the relationship. She just told me she didn’t want to ruin his holidays but she was thinking seriously about breaking up with him after Christmas. He came to me a month ago and told me he planned to get her an engagement ring for Christmas.

Is this something I should get involved in or let it play itself out? Even if I did get involved, I wouldn’t know whom to talk to first. Perhaps I could tell him she isn’t ready to settle down. Or I could tell her he’s planning to give her an engagement ring.

Help!

~ Totally Stressed Out

Dear Totally Stressed Out,

This is definitely a tough situation, and it’s reasonable that you want to find an answer that avoids any uncomfortableness. Unfortunately, I don’t know that I can give you that answer. Very few tough problems have easy solutions.

It’s always uncomfortable to be in possession of sensitive information that could be potentially damaging to someone else’s relationship, especially someone you love. However, I think your allegiance should be to your daughter, as I am sure it is, and the best course of action is always the honest one. Although you didn’t request this information, you have it now and withholding it from your daughter, even with good intentions, could create a worse situation.

I think you can go to your daughter and just explain the situation without offering advice unless she asks. She will then be in charge of how to handle it. If you don’t tell her, and she finds out you knew, she might be more hurt. Ultimately, if she is going to break up with him anyway, there is really no reason to keep his secret and plenty of reason to disclose it. Even if they end up together, he has to know that she is your child and you will always protect her.

Joshua Berg

jbergshua@gmail.com

Dear Totally Stressed Out,

Being a mother of a 30-year-old daughter, I can feel your angst and was torn about how to respond to your dilemma. My first thought was to tell you to not get involved; let the couple sort it out. My second thought was about “blood is thicker than water.” What if you didn’t tell your daughter and then she found out after the possibly embarrassing moment that you knew about the engagement ring? Would she be upset with you for not giving her the heads up?

Then I thought if you told her maybe she would go ahead and “rip the bandage off” before Christmas (if she really wanted to do that) because pain is pain and the quicker you deal with it the better. Or she would be mad that you spoiled the surprise? And then is there part of you that is people-pleasing and not wanting anyone to get hurt?
Ugh! What to do!?

So in my own angst and confusion, I asked my daughter how this should be handled. Right away she said, “Stay out of it!”
She reminded me how couples can have moments of not getting along and then they work things out. In the meantime, mothers who are looking out for our children and their best welfare can get involved and cause more problems than solutions. [My daughter] said she would be mad if I interfered.

As adults, we learned through our life experiences about our choices, good and bad. And we learned them because we made those choices.

Let your daughter go through this experience however it turns out. If she is presented with the ring, it might be the moment that shifts her relationship for the better with her boyfriend. And if she finds out that you knew and is unhappy that you didn’t inform her ahead of time, tell her as her mother you chose to stay out of it and not be involved in influencing her choices about her life and that you trust her to be strong and independent in her life.

We never know for sure about life’s adventures, good or bad, but if we can instill in our children the ability to make their own choices they ultimately are stronger and more responsible about their own lives.
Just to check in, way after the moment, you might talk to your daughter about this and find out that you yourself made the right choice to just stay out of it and let her and her boyfriend work things out … for the best outcome for them.

Enjoy your holidays and your family.

Blessings,

Laney Clevenger-White, RScP

laneycl@ca.rr.com

QUESTION: The recent elections not only divided our country, it has caused havoc with my family. Although I’ve tried to remain neutral and haven’t joined in the fray, siblings with vastly different opinions are aggressively attempting to get me to join in and take one side or the other. I refuse.

Now with the holidays upon us, and family gatherings planned, I know there will be heated discussions and I just plain don’t want any part of them. I love my family and I enjoy being with them, I just don’t want to participate in political discussions. I’ve even gone so far as to think about taking a trip somewhere as an out.

Do you have any suggestions as to what can be done to have peaceful family gatherings?

~ Silent Opinion

Dear Silent Opinion,

Family gatherings can be difficult even without the aftermath of the recent extremely divisive national election. A few things come to mind that might help to make the events go more smoothly.

You can enlist the help of other family members to focus on your shared experiences. Ask them to bring old photographs or home movies of previous holidays to show the younger generation. Think of some old stories and start conversations with “Remember when …”

You might be able to steer the discussion to old family recipes for holiday meals. Perhaps copying one in grandma’s handwriting would spur good thoughts. If there’s a common sports team everybody follows that would be another safe topic. If your family is musical you could organize a performance, jam session or sing-along.

Check on particularly impressive holiday light displays in the neighborhood and take a walking tour. You could bring thermal mugs for hot coffee, tea or cocoa. You could even go caroling along the way if so inclined.

If your family is more sedentary you can suggest watching old favorite holiday movies together or a current musical performance.

When someone insists on a political discussion you can politely excuse yourself to help in the kitchen or check on the children. Anxiety is detrimental to your health and if worse comes to worst you may have to leave. You’ve already refused to engage in political arguing so it shouldn’t be a surprise.

I don’t think you should feel bad about maintaining your own peace of mind. You can always organize your own gathering of family and friends who respect your desires to socialize without all the drama.

I wish you a fun, happy holiday season.

Sharon Weisman

Sharon@jetcafe.org

Dear Silent Opinion,

I have to admit that in your situation a trip to the Bahamas is very appealing. However, I do know and understand your experience with family members having strong political views. They want you to join them, think like them and be passionate about it so much that it basically dominates every conversation. I have had to come to terms within myself as to how I could be with my politically centrist family and still have some level of internal peace while taking my desired neutral ground.

What helped me was to actually take specific time to prepare myself for the experience I know is coming. I place my mindset in a peaceful state. I begin to think of all the types of ways I will be spoken to when with them. I prepare my mind, emotions and actions to be unmoved, not influenced, released from them impacting me any way I do not desire. I hear the voices, see the faces, feel the feelings and choose to have a prepared response within myself.

The best thought that gets me there is truly believing that everyone has the right to their own opinion and to express it. I choose to believe that it is necessary for them to talk, express and emote and I provide them an opportunity to do that. I know that they are wanting a response from me and I often simply say, “I am still processing how I think and feel about everything so I would appreciate you giving me the time to do so. However I do appreciate hearing from you.”

Then it is up to them whether they will let me off the hook or not but at least I have given them a response that I can come back to over and over. Occasionally I will actually just need to say, “I love you but I hope you will respect my desire not to talk about this right now.” Then I try to change the topic. If I’m not able I simply excuse myself.

Truthfully I believe preparing yourself ahead of time will change your experience. You will always have the Bahamas if that doesn’t work.

Blessings,

Pastor Mark Yeager

verdugohills@live.com